Madam-damin.

People say that I'm amazing
I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

I drop my sword and cry for just a while
(Look up for His smile)
'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child 

Gusto ko lang i-share sa mga fans ko tonight ang kantang ito ni Pure Energy Gary Valenciano: "The Warrior Is A Child." Medyo may two weeks na noong huli kong entry eh. So ito, bumabawi lang for the days/weeks na naipon. Kamusta naman mga mars? 

Anyway, napaka-special ng kanta na ito para sakin. Sa totoo lang, pina-pakinggan ko to ngayon gamit yung puchu-puchu phone ko e. Ang lakas kai nitong makapag-paluha. Nagiging "Madam" ako bigla-bigla --Madam-damin! Chos! 

Once in a while, naglilinis ako ng mata. At di lang ito literal na pagpu-punas ng mata mars, o paghi-hilamos, ang main way of cleaning eyes is crying! Yes my friend, it helps! Effortless!

No elaboration of why I'm currently doing it. Kebs nyo ba diba, and syempre, pa-privacy epek! Chos! 

Ang puno't dulo lang nito is-- pagod lang ako. Hindi lang yung literal na pagod sa mag-hapong nagdaan, pero nakakaramdam akong muli ng pagka-hapo sa kung ano man ang pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. Yung pina-plastik mo na maski yung pagiging "strong" mo kasi wala ka ng choice. Kasi nasanay na silang makita kang malakas na parang kahit di naman, weakness yung pag-iyak, kaya sasarilinin mo na lang yung sakit. Ang OA no? Pero ganun mars e. 

Napapagal akong kumapit sa natitirang lakas pa sa akin. Gusto ko sanang kahit sandali, ma "on hold" ko yung buhay ko. Gusto ko lang freely na makahinga. Na maski ang paghinga hindi ako masakal.

Ganun pa man, naniniwala ako na "It's not always a bad day." Everything's going to be okay. Eventually.

P.S. Pag tino-topak din kayo gaya ko, pakinggan nyo tong song ha. Malay nyo, mahimasmasan kayo sa tulong nito. 

P.P.S. Sorry kung ang emo ng peg ng entry ko tonight. Good night and be strong! 

Decluttering 101

Basically, I have been a lazy daisy for almost 2 weeks or so I guess. And one time, I checked some of my stuff in one of my cabinets. Note that I didn't like fix these in 2 years. Haha. And what do you find in your piles of clutter? Ha! Got a handful of everything I couldn't ditch for a long time now. 

Batch 1

• Movie tickets: Tangled and I Do. Talk about keeping such for sentimental values. Tangled was the first movie I have watched with my baby and I Do, well, I can simply relate on it, and yes, I like Enchong and Erich <3
• Two wallet-size pictures: One with ehem, JC Intal. This was taken between 2005-2006 while he was still playing for Ateneo. Can I just say he smells fresh talaga? I could've inhaled his breath sa sobrang close namen. Ha! Those days that I was really patient waiting for players to come out after a game in Araneta. Hihi. And the second one was with my best friend from TIP, Bart. That first year of becoming a college student. I was very naive and plain innocent. Chos!
• Bus tickets. For more or less 2 years, I have always kept a lot of bus tickets either in my pocket, purse or my bag. Haha! Mapag-ipon ako ng kalat!

Batch 2

• Sugar sachets: With everyday that I have been drinking coffee, I also made sure to bring sugar sachets in one of my purses. Yet I never used any so it got watery and then it's now a mess. Hehe
• Broken ID holder that I used back in my college days and in my work too. Slashed it because I cannot remove my ID in it. 
• Fast food coupons: When you have nothing else more than 50 php or 100 php, these coupons really come in handy. Mauumay ka nga lang sa karne. Chos!
• Mentos: My favorite candy. I know this one is memorable, I just can't remember why.
• 20 peso bill: Always keep in mind, "May pera sa basura." ;)
• Korea's Maxim coffee: My favorite boss handed me this one and kept it as a remembrance.

In cleaning, I always end up retrieving stuff that can be reused and those that should be disposed right away. Recalling a lot of past happenings are also involved in such activity, reason for me to sometimes avoid touching my "other" stuff especially papers or notebooks. Haha. 

Most often than not, I am very OC in taking a look in each of my "before-forgotten-now-remembered-stored-loads". 

You will really never know what is in store for you not unless you take a deeper look on it. Now time for you to check those messy drawers and pile them up orderly ;)

Bittersweet November.

"The breezy morning of November greeted me as I was about to go home. It seemed to be a long night. Surrounded with strangers I have met that same night, along with liquors, cigarettes, laughter and distress, I tried to escape from life for a little while. 

Have you ever felt like it was all coming back again? That after long years of not minding anything about the matters of the heart, here you go again, gambling between what you will lose and gain, between heartache and euphoria, between paranoia and reality.

I tried to say goodbye that same day. He was reluctant. I know I had too much alcohol then, that it was uncontrollable to realize how foolish my words were and how stupidly I acted. The low point of how I was and on how I have struggled about it.

For the next two weeks, I know for sure that I have lost myself against the battle of extreme misery. Day by day, I had those puffy eyes due to non-stop crying. Undoubtedly, it was hurting me. With the sporadic state that I am in, my uncertainty remained certain.

Silently, air embraced me tightly. Sunlight brightened immensely upon my flesh to be felt. Retreating to the spell being cast by gallons of liquor and with each lit of cigars that I was doing, I was hoping to be saved. A lot of random things witnessed calmly the downfall of it. My journal accompanied me all through out. With my mind that cannot be oppressed, I continuously drowned myself upon the agony of detaching myself from him. I was selfish to not to tell anyone of how it feels like dying. Surely, just like anything else, loving and losing someone is a cycle."

That's how I was a year ago. Exactly after that incident, my life has changed. Whether it made me better or not, I'm clueless on that.

He's my musical soul mate. My Raimund Marasigan who is learning how to play Up Dharma Down's  Oo. Up to this day, it saddens me that I have lost my sort off Nick from Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.

As what our favorite song says, "Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakakaalam". Fully, I tried to follow every step he made within the rhythm that is intertwining us. Patiently, I listened to every words he has to say that would keep up with the melody, but it wasn't enough. Perhaps, it was really the end of the 8-month theme song.

"You know nothing" was his last words. How ironic when we say initially, we know each other very well.

Midnight Writings v.2

Madaming nawi-wirduhan kapag nalalaman nilang hanggang ngayon, tinitignan ko pa rin yung Facebook ng ex ko. Kasabay nito, may pagka-mangha akong nakikita sa mga mata nila pag kinu-kwento ko kung paano ako nakakakuha ng mga impormasyon tungkol sakanya. 

"GOOGLE HELPS". Yan yung sinabi ko kanina. Sa malamang na totoong ang babae ay higit na mahusay sa PNP, NBI, FBI, CSI at kung ano-ano pang ahensyang yan patungkol sa pananaliksik. Diskarte at woman's instinct lang ang katapat.

Okay. Bakit ko nga ba sya tinitignan? Well, una sa lahat, hindi ako stalker. Chos ko lang yan. Kadalasan kasi ang hirap mag-bigay eksplenasyon e. Sa bawat linyang sasabihin nun, 10x mo itong hihimay-himayin para lubusang maintindihan ng nakararami.

GUSTO KO LANG. Oo. Gusto ko lang malaman ang mga whereabouts nya. Kumbaga, ahead ako sakanya tungkol sa mga kung anong mga updates ng bawat isa. Wala namang masama dun diba? Besides, erpats sya ng anak ko. At some degree, keri lang kung manaliksik ako patungkol sa kanya.

WALANG KINALAMAN ANG SUSTENTO. Dyosme naman! 5 years old na ang anak ko! Nung manganak ako way back 2007, ni singkong duling wala syang naabot sa akin. Hanggang sa anak ko e unti-unti ng lumaki. Kaagapay nito ang pabigat na pabigat na gastusin. Pero kebs lang! Ang anak ko, breastfeed yan hanggang 3 years old. Super close kami e. Madonna peg all the time. Kung ang karamihan e hirap na hirap na magpa-breastfeed ng junaks, ako naman, super petiks lang. Wala akong eksena ng paghuhuags ng mga bottles o yung maubusan ng gatas at kung anu-ano pang chores/issues related sa gatas. I-insert ko lang ang eksenang minsan e nangutang ako ng pambili ng diaper ng anak ko. Super na-short ako that time, so ang baon ko lang e lakas ng loob at kakapalan na rin ng fez. Well, I have a lot of reliable friends, at nakautang ang lola mo! Sa hinaba-haba ng panahon, ilang beses nakong nagipit sa pera, maski sa lakas ng loob, pero go on girl lang lagi ang aura naten. Ganun talaga e.

HINDI AKO BITTER. HINDI! With exclamation mark talaga yan. Hindi porke't tinitignan ko sya, at wala pa akong you know, "boylaloo", e bitter or masama pa ang loob ko sakanya. Aba teka, palagay ko naman, lisensyado akong magkaron ng sama ng loob hindi ba? Pero yung totoo, hindi naman sama ng loob e. It's more on, masakit lang. While change is a constant thing in this world, memories can never be a part of that change. I just can't pretend na, "Okay, it has been 5 years and counting. Kalimutan na kita. Di ka na nage-exist. Hanap nako ng iba". HINDI PO GANUN YUN. May higit na malalim na dahilan sa bawat pag-tingin na ginagawa ko sakanya.

ALIW. Syempre naman. Kumbaga, pag nakikita ko na puchu-puchu lang naman ang mga rampa ng buhay nya or so-so lang ang mga pinagkaka-abalahan nya, I have this ego na, "Huh! Tignan mo nga tong mokong na to!". Kumbaga, pampalakas ng self-esteem na, "I have died when you left, but despite of that, I have survived all those fucked up times." On the other hand, my kilig factor/daydream ka na rin. Who doesn't want to have a complete family anyway? Hmm? (Ina Magenta peg). Malay mo naman, matauhan, bumalik sa wisyo at maisipang tumino. Tsarlot!

I know I don't owe anyone any explanation of what I truly feel. Nor to defend why I am doing such actions. But I find little tranquility that he's okay. That one day, I might see him again. And by then, I might be allowed to kill him. Chos!