Sana Dati.

 "Time as you know, it never finds its way back home."

--Archipelago. MRI. 

Sa malamang maraming naka-relate kay Andrea (Lovi Poe). Kung paanong sa kagustuhan nyang takasan ang nakaraan e isinusugal ang ngayon sa walang kasiguraduhang kinabukasan. Her portrayal was very impressive. Extereme yung datingan e, yung sobra siyang masaya at malungkot. Ang galing!!! Ang past, present at future. Magkaka-buhol, entertwined sa bawat isa.. Sabi nga ni Dennis (Paulo Avelino), "Sumpa natin to e. Time warp."

She is marrying Ronald (TJ Trinidad). A politician who fell in love with her during his campaign. That day was very unusual. Andrea was oblivious & did not show any signs of excitement in becoming a bride. Later on, I have fully found out why. Thanks to Dennis entering the picture. Naungkat ang kahapon effortlessly. Nadala niyang muli si Andrea sa kandungan ng nakaraan. He made her question today by visiting the past. Funny din dito si Paulo Avelino kasi hindi naman sya as in videographer unlike her brother. Hehe. 

Just like anyone else, Andrea has her "exceptional love", Andrew (Benjamin Alves). Their heyday was very ideal. Sabi nga ni Andrea, "Tayo, perfect." But nothing's perfect. Death cheated them and Andrea was left with nothing else but to go on. Pero ang tanong dun, kung nakagalaw ba sya, yung totoong humakbang palayo sa nakaraan. And can I just say, ang charming ni Benjamin Alves dito? I mean it. They look cute together. Hihi.

Walking down Andrea & Andrew's memory lane was very heart breaking. I myself did look back & felt haunted still. At the same time, the aliw factor with their lines were pretty cute, like, "Gusto mong mag make love sa loob?" (pertaining to the newly rented shop of Andrea) or yung, "Kung ganito pala mamatay, edi sige, call ako" (to which Andrew will leave Pangasinan to follow Andrea in Manila)

I am also concluding na fan ni John Cusack si Jerrold Tarog. Mantakin mong, trip niyang ipangalan sa flower shop e, "Say Anything" pati yung soon-to-be-name ng anak ni Andrea for a boy e Cusack. O kitams? Or is it only me thinking about it? Mehehe.

Pero one thing na inabangan ko sa movie & the main reason I was very eager to see it, Indak of Up Dharma Down is the soundtrack. It was very timing sa scene when finally, Andrea did bid farewell to Andrew. Leaving her blue flats before heading back to Manila. Prior to that, kinalungkot ko din yung pagsalubong ni Ronald kay Andrea sabay sabi, "Nagpaalam ka na sakanya?" to which she was clueless on how he knew all about Andrew, from the start.

Dun ako humagulgol e. For real, I felt my heart cracked & uncontrollably, tears started running down my eyes. Feeling ko, sinapian ako ni Andrea, the huge difference though is that I kept the ghost inside of me conquer until this day. 

And when she said "I love you" to Robert for the first time, bitin, nakaka-bigla pero alam mong sincere. Because finally, she felt found again. She managed to face her past, getting all along with present to keep things still for the future.

-------------------------------------

Dahil super abang ako sa mga linyahan nila, I needed to have my journal on my lap to not miss any memorable quotes (tyaga kung tyaga):

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd." --Voltaire

"Mahal mo ba talaga sya?" --Jamie.

"Ang bilis ng mga pangyayari. Nakakahilo ang bilis." --Andrew

Andrea: "Anong ginagawa mo dito?"

Dennis: "Gusto lang kitang makilala"

Andrew: "Kinakabahan ako sayo."

Andrea: "Ako rin"

"I love you. At walang difference kung sabihin ko sayo to ng ganito kaaga." --Andrew

"Maraming hindi sigurado sa araw na to. Sa future naten. Sigurado akong mahal kita. Naiintindihan mo yun?" --Ronald

"Convince me to marry you. I might say yes." --Andrea

-------------------------------------

Kudos to the whole cast & team of Sana Dati!!! Trilogy of Director Jerrold Tarog. Kanya pala yung Confessional, na once in a while nata-timingan sa Cinema One. The second part is Mangatyanan na hindi ko pa napapanood. Hehe.

A not so overrated love story. Recommended to be watched for those who are still stranded from their past (just like me). Pero sana, gaya ni Andrea, hindi man tayo maka-ending ng gaya ni Ronald, mahalaga, maka-isang hakbang man lang tayo. Paunti-until ng makaraos sa kahapon sabay sa tugtugang Indak, na sobrang eargasmic ang datingan :)

ATTENTION: Kids Section!

While strolling in Megamall, one of Unicef's volunteer approached me handing over sign-off sheets wherein I was quite adamant about. Anyway, the very petite girl who's sporting her cutie pixie hair (na trip ko din to be my next hair do. Yay!) asked for my signature for a very tricky yet affecting question: "What is the most important for kids?"

The four choices:

1. Health & Nutrition

2. Education

3. Shelter

4. Protection

*Have you thought of your answer then?

With no delay, I did sign that paper and chose the fourth option. And have observed that for the first 20+ signatures, I was the only one who considered "Protection" as what is the most needed of kids. With that instance, I asked the volunteer, "How can you provide the other three if you are not genuinely concern & loving to kids?". By securing them emotionally, of us being adults mean more that what could those other aspects do for them.

I even eagerly asked if she's indeed a volunteer, and with a warm smile, she said, "Yes, maam. May 3 months na po. Pero yung iba, may 1 year na." (Note: I was in my very manghang-mangha look upon haring this. Hehe) Hence, my curiosity & "chikadora" side kicks in, I further asked questions. So here are some info I got (from her & the web):

• Visit www.ph.jobsdb.com and start searching for Unicef. I'm giving you my best regards in using its Search tab. Wasn't really useful. Natanga lang ako. Mehehe!
• Anyway, decided to use Google (because Google helps, srsly) and found this page: http://www.unicef.org/philippines/aboutus_jobopportunities.html#.Ug0sDtJLUwg
• Scroll down a bit and full details on how to become a volunteer can be found.
• Their main office is in Makati. So if you are from North, definitely it's quite troublesome (considering its distance & the outrageous hindi-ako-makamove-on-scene of EDSA)

Did end the small talk by simply saying, "Good luck! Sana makarami kayo ng signatures!" With that simple gesture, I can say that it became meaningful. Hopefully, those signatures will go a long way.

Just to share. One of my dreams, is to have an NGO (not inspired by Napoles at any way. Hoho!) that seeks to take care of kids. From abandoned fragile babies, to abused ones, out-of-school youth, child laborers et al. 

Pangarap kong dumating ang isang araw na hindi na laman ng lansangan ang mga bata. Ang hindi na sila kasa-kasangkapan ng mga sindikato/ng mga masasamang loob. Na hindi malulutong na murahan kundi tawanan ang aalingaw-ngaw sa mga bibig nila. Na ang kanilang matutuna'y karunungan imbes na kamunduhan.

Ang manatili silang ligtas at hindi nakahain na pambitag sa mga hayok ang laman. Sa murang edad, gusto kong maranasan nila ang "tears of joy" hindi ang luha ng sakit/pagdurusa. Bilang bata, karapatan nilang maalagaan at hindi pabayaan. Ang mahalin at hindi abusuhin. Ang mapagod kakalaro at hindi ng kaka-trabaho." 

For the time being, alam ko, simpatya, dasal at paganito-ganito lang ang magagawa ko. Incapable pako ng mga da moves to be involved. Pero paano ba't darating tayo dyan sa dapat kalagyan. If each & everyone will just have a heart for this concern aside from sa mga maka-bagong isyung inaaarte naten, siguro paunti-unti, magiging reality din ito.

Kung ang bawat like/share/tweet/retweet/heart/comment e may kaakibat na aksyon at butihing intensyon, magiging mabangis ang ending ng ganitong masaklap na isyu. Bow.

In Between Life & Death

I am recalling one instance wherein I asked Mama to watch this very eccentric vid in YouTube about kids that are "serial killers". In the middle of it, Mama paused it & said, "If there's a very high bridge, a normal person would be scared to death in peeking but you, you will take a leap & let yourself fall."

How strange it was for her to say it, well in fact all I wanted was for her to see the video. She then hugged me & said, "You are bothered." That's when I broke down, hugged her tight and all I remember was that I continuously cried. 

SUICIDE.

Have you ever thought of dying or worse, killing yourself? Because I have.

I was 18 when this word first crossed my mind. And ever since, it never left me. Once in a while I still think of not just killing myself but dying per se.

Pain fascinates me. Hence dying seems to be fascinating. As on why and how I have thought of that? I'm still left clueless. Maybe because I once felt it. "To live an unlived life". 

So I try to retreat from tormenting memories. Haunting events from the past that will trigger my "saltik". Taking in charge of pain & hyped emotions is something I am trying to overcome.

It was months ago when I did cut my wrists for several time, for several days. Until my emotions weren't that hyped anymore. That's the only time I put a stop on it. Whenever I do that, I feel things are more real. How strange for someone who is leaving to dream about death. 

One time, I was scanning one of my diaries, and found a note that says, "I hope one day, death will find me." Recovering is not easy especially if you are fighting with it on your own. But I have my own means of diverting my anxiety. Hopefully it does work all the time.

Currently I am pretty okay on handling what life throws at me. Pain is one inevitable thing in this world. But I choose to be strong & be driven of keeping my sanity, somehow. 

I don't encourage people to think of dying or killing themselves, however it's a reality that we could not escape from. Yet, optimistically, what I want people to do is to be aware of life & on how to make it worthwhile. 

Just like what Dr. Blake in Veronika Wants to Die said, "Doesn't it feel better to be better?"

"Huling Indak"

Eto naaaaaaa.

Sa oras na mabasa mo ito, wag mo ko itetext, o tawagan, wag mo din ako imessage o ibuzz sa ym, o maski ang hanapin sa fb. Maging ang puntahan ako sa may samen, o sa opisina. Di ako assuming, pina pangunahan lang kita. 

Sa isang buong linggong nag daan, unti unti, pinaramdam mo sakin kung paano ang iwan, ang walang marinig ni ho ni ha mula sayo. Oo nga pala, given, celebration nga pala. Makakalimutin lang minsan. Uulitin ko, sa mga araw na wala ka, matinding pangungulila ang nadama ko. Pakiramdam ko, higit kang malayo sa akin, at di ka na babalik. 

Iniwan mo ako. Ibinalik mo ang sakit na dati ng nawaglit sa akin. Pinaalala mong muli ang pakiramdam na matagal ko ng tinakasan. 

I had the feeling of drifting away from you.

Natapos na ang isang linggo, back to normal na ang lahat. Maliban sa akin, at sa nararamdaman ko. May puwang sa pagitan nating dalawa, at di maikukubli, may nagbago, higit para sa iyo kaysa sa akin. Sa malamang, napagtibay ang inyong relasyon ng nangyaring bakasyon. Maganda yan. Maigi para sa inyong dalawa, yan naman ang nararapat.

Ganito pala yun, ulit. Ang iwanan at baliwalain. Kung sa bagay, sanay naman ako, ano pa bang bago sa sitwasyon na ito. Akala ko handa na ako, na indahin ang bawat oras, araw na lumilipas at lilipas ng wala ka. Dapat kong kayanin, hindi ako pwedeng manghina. Pipilitin ko, itatago ko ang sakit, ang lungkot, aangkinin ko, at yayakapin ang ano mang nakakapag pabagabag na emosyong meron ako ngayon. 

Higit akong nangungulila mula sayo. Sa mga tawanan, seryosong usapan, bwisitan, lalo na ang pagla lambing mo. Hinahanap hanap ka ng diwa ko, pilit kang inaalala ng utak ko, ang huling pag uusap na namagitan saten. 

Namiss kita. Namimiss kita. Walang halong biro. Ni minsan, di ka nawaglit sa isip ko.

Pero ito na siguro yung timing na tinatawag nila, hindi ito positive timing, pero kelangan ko na sigurong bumitaw. Ang ibalik ang nararapat na respeto para sa karelasyon mo. Mas kaya kong umiyak, at masaktan, kaysa sa ang manakit ng iba. Hindi kita sinusuko. Subali't datapwa't ito ang tama. Higit kanino man, ako dapat ang mag isip ng kung ano ba ang dapat gawin. 

Walang madali sa paglayo. Sa pananahimik na gagawin ko. Tahimik akong lalayo, at iiyak. Wala kang bakas na makikita kung gaano kalugmok ang pakiramdam ko sa mga oras na ito. Hinding hindi ako magiging abala para sayo. Kaya ko to!

Mahal kita. Mamahalin kita sa kabila ng mga ngyari. Abangan na lang nateng dumating ang araw na wala ng lahat na to, na babalika na lang naten ang mga panahong ito bilang isang magandang alaala. 

Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakaka alam.

Gustong gusto kita. And if there is one thing I am sorry about, that is I am a year late to fall in love with you. I am sorry.

************************************
Sa di sinasadyang pagkakataon, may nahalungkat na naman ako. Sa dis-oras ng gabi. Yung petsa ng pagkaka-save ko nito sa Facebook e nung November 13, 2011 pa. 

Bigo rin naman akong ipa-abot ito sakanya. At sa kasalukuyan, patuloy pa rin naming gina-gambala ang isa't-isa.

Ngayon na nga lang maga-update ng blog, maka LLP pa. *LasLasPulso* Hay!!! Ang pathetic/praning/kabwiseeeeet/martyr lang. Gaya mo at ng lahat ng tinamaan ng panahon ng pag-ibig. 

Apir!

Then 9th of February comes along.

It was his prominent face. The odd feeling you get in a dull morning that makes it less of ordinary and more surprising one. As clear as the morning light then, I recognized him. I was seemingly drowning into his presence. But I needed to fight back the gravity that pulls me towards him. I desperately needed to hold it back. My resolution was to show my facade face of not seeing him. Fooling who else but myself. With that split second, it was over. We passed by each other just like usual strangers would do. And in that clear and windy morning, hysteria raged in. I was torn between ecstasy and melancholy.

The 9th of February will always remind me of how finally, what we started came to an end. Of how none of us stopped the mark of our downfall. It became a silent agreement. One that I cannot fathom and will not. And cliche as it may seem, it all turns out to be part of our history-- memories that I can only visit once in a while but not to be stayed on any longer. 

Four days to go before I turn 24!

"Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it and you might just regret it."

Four more days to go and officially, I will be turning 24! Yihee! Tatanda na naman ako. Which is good kasi lagi kong niloo-look forward ang tumanda. I always wanted that feeling of becoming a grown-up. Of not being treated like a child anymore. Papa Jesus, please pakidagdagan po ang aking wisdom! Chos.

Along with the excitement that I have, somehow this year I feel a little bad that I won't be able to celebrate nor have a good time on my special day. Just my luck, starting on Wednesday until Sunday, I will be having the schedule of working from 10PM-7AM!!! Now the plans that I have thought of just few days ago has been changed. Na-excite pa naman ako kasi by 19, may gig ang UDD in SaGuijo. So okay, no choice, mukhang by February pako makakanood ng gig. And even if my birthday is on a Friday, still, there's no way for me to chill and grab a bottle of beer. HA! But my friend, if you have a good heart, feel free to drop me a line on the 18th! Alright? :)

Sa super excited na mag-shift ng career, o ayan, sagasa karamihan sa mga plans. Another adjustment for me on how on weekends, I should be on the work mode. Pero ano ba naman yun compare sa "night differential" na sulit na sulit. And since newby, syempre kelangang magpakitang gilas! Ehem ehem!

And I am starting my entryt out with my rants. Haha. But on the lighter side, I have really wanted of not having time with my extra-curricular activities. The feeling of always available to any rampas, nakaramdam din ako ng pagod. And the fact that I seldom go online, mostly I'm happy with it. Unlike before na bawat kembot ko e announced! Chos. At least now, people are more interested of knowing what's going on with you. Mas mysterious, mas maraming fans! Chos!

I know I don't write as sensible as before (as if namang makabuluhan talaga ko mag-sulat), but don't worry mga mars since I will be really trying hard to keep up with the issues/topics that I have been talking about in the past. For now, pag-tyagaan nyo muna ang aking nakayanan.

I'll get back to my blog as soon as I can! :)

The way he caresses her made her shiver
Until now she can still feel him getting in to her deep skin
His lips felt perfectly fits hers as he pulled her closer
She knew she was captivated by his every kiss and touch

It was his strong arms that made her stay
With each grip, he knows she can't resist
The silent night witnessed how they intertwined
Its chilly breeze made them more hungry to hold each other tight

They surrendered of becoming sinful then
Undoubtedly they wanted to make love with each other
But just then, she had changed her mind
Figuring out that something doesn't seem right

She admitted her weakness and wanting to escape
He found himself in dismay once again
The trail of what has happened a year ago took place in that moment
And now both of them has to act as if nothing happened

How strange for them to be able to do that
But as she stepped away from him, she knew she did what is right
She knows her heart is hungry for warm touch and that it's true love
she would like to taste and have.