In Between Life & Death

I am recalling one instance wherein I asked Mama to watch this very eccentric vid in YouTube about kids that are "serial killers". In the middle of it, Mama paused it & said, "If there's a very high bridge, a normal person would be scared to death in peeking but you, you will take a leap & let yourself fall."

How strange it was for her to say it, well in fact all I wanted was for her to see the video. She then hugged me & said, "You are bothered." That's when I broke down, hugged her tight and all I remember was that I continuously cried. 

SUICIDE.

Have you ever thought of dying or worse, killing yourself? Because I have.

I was 18 when this word first crossed my mind. And ever since, it never left me. Once in a while I still think of not just killing myself but dying per se.

Pain fascinates me. Hence dying seems to be fascinating. As on why and how I have thought of that? I'm still left clueless. Maybe because I once felt it. "To live an unlived life". 

So I try to retreat from tormenting memories. Haunting events from the past that will trigger my "saltik". Taking in charge of pain & hyped emotions is something I am trying to overcome.

It was months ago when I did cut my wrists for several time, for several days. Until my emotions weren't that hyped anymore. That's the only time I put a stop on it. Whenever I do that, I feel things are more real. How strange for someone who is leaving to dream about death. 

One time, I was scanning one of my diaries, and found a note that says, "I hope one day, death will find me." Recovering is not easy especially if you are fighting with it on your own. But I have my own means of diverting my anxiety. Hopefully it does work all the time.

Currently I am pretty okay on handling what life throws at me. Pain is one inevitable thing in this world. But I choose to be strong & be driven of keeping my sanity, somehow. 

I don't encourage people to think of dying or killing themselves, however it's a reality that we could not escape from. Yet, optimistically, what I want people to do is to be aware of life & on how to make it worthwhile. 

Just like what Dr. Blake in Veronika Wants to Die said, "Doesn't it feel better to be better?"