Game over, December.

"Life is full of uncertainties, you'll never know when to be certain."

This year blew me away with all its drastic changes. Which they say is the only constant thing in this world. But as what my sister say, it's not just change that is constant, it's also the "memories". So with the final entry that I will be writing down tonight, let me walk you through as to how 2012 has been to me.

1. I have this odd-age fetish. So when I turned 23 last January, I made sure that I will be having a fun night filled with beers and friends. And true to that, my last birthday went crazy! But since this coming year, it's my 24th  birthday, I will not be having those normal celebration. What I have in mind is to do a charity work, and hopefully, time and my budget will allow me to.

2. Up Dharma Down has been my favorite OPM band and I am such a fan girl that even after work, I still watch their gigs. Even if it takes me to travel from North to South! I've not been able to see them perform due to my work schedule, but this 2013, babawi ako.

3. By February, I once again felt how it's like to broken-hearted. To someone who was a good friend. WAS. It's a shame how you use past tense describing as on how you were with someone. You have to go on and pretend that nothing happened. That you never met. That he never came along. My love month tormented me. Chos!

4. My smoking habit worsen and I enjoyed how puffing makes me feel dizzy. With each cigarette sticks, I found comfort. I made myself believe on that. But with self-motivation, somehow I was able to get rid of it. Little by little. Still in the process.

5. It was the month of June that I had to work 14 hours a day. A part-time job that lasted for 3 months with the 9AM-1PM schedule and my full-time job with the 2PM-11PM . It was challenging. Indeed. And it made me work my ass continuously! There I met Korean kids whom I treated as my own child since they were just on their own here in Manila and they became really close to me. Guess they have forgotten about me now. Dramarama! And even if Habagat hit the city non-stop, I still did go to work the following day. And to my surprise, I was the only employee who went to work! Talk about being "workaholic" :p

6. It was also in the second quarter that I was able to start my blog. Which has been my plan for months and that at last was able to do. Currently I have 59 blog entries and I couldn't be anymore happy that I was able to do this now. Sharing thoughts as to what issue I want to talk about has been very relieving and knowing that there are some who are "supporting" me makes my heart super happy! However, I feel sorry that I couldn't write as often as I want to. But still, this blog will be kept updated no matter what.

7. It's also in this year that after almost 3 years of working, I was able to buy gadgets. Hehe. I'm not really techie nor someone totally interested in new stuff but I did really feel great that I was able to buy my laptop, Canon camera and my qwerty Nokia phone. Haha. While everyone's going gaga over the touch-touch thingy, what I prefer is still the basics. It makes me smile knowing I bought things because I worked hard for it :)

8. I have always believed that Papa Jesus knows how strong I am and that still He molds me to be a stronger one. It is after 5 years that I talked to him once again. Talk to him in a sense of asking him as on what He is planning for me. Of how he sees me as His child. I admit I don't believe in the Bible, but that doesn't make me less of a believer. That doesn't make me a sinner. My faith in Him has grew stronger. With Him, I find peace and certainty. I hope you do too.

9. As I grow older, misunderstanding between my mother happens differently. Yes, most of the time because of reasons that are petty. But some that are serious enough that drives her mad. But I have learned how to pacify her. And I guess it's just normal that things like that happen. Other than being her child, I myself is also a mother so I try as much as I could to grasp more of what she say. Which is not really easy since I am stubborn. Hoho. 

10. My unica hija turned 5 years old by the beginning of ber-month and the best way to let loose is to go on leave which I yearly do and to have a feast with the family. Now I have a little dalaga who knows how to answer back in a very clever manner. Ako na ang nauubusan ng Ingles! Yes! Haha. P.S. I can now tie her hair. I have waited for this in years. Haha

11. I retreat to reading and having a diary after ages. And although I can't finish writing in my journal because mostly it's not allowed at work, with the use of my phone, still I was able to make drafts of what I feel, what I think and what goes on in my eccentric mind. I have been buying notebooks wherein the first few pages were only used. Ha! And now I'm keeping all those locked up. Chos! Thrift bookstore serves as my haven whenever I go to malls since I always buy books that really interests me. This year, I was able to finish 5 books I think. Boo! Now I'm currently finishing the sixth. As what the writings in Fullybooked, The Block say, "Life happened because I turned the pages."

12. It was October that suddenly, our Korean company finally decided to stop its operation and to let go of its employees. For almost 3 years, my colleagues became my friends and the normal "Hi, hello" turned into long hour of chitchats that I have been missing. That company became my home. And it has been easy to get along to all the people I have worked with. Even with the Management. Although the presence of collision is there, still the years I have worked there will always be precious to me.

13. The following surprised me by a phone call from a BPO company and luckily, I became part of Wave 51 for a Telecom company. It's a new environment. A whole new world filled with uncertainties to people that I will be working with, and even to the field itself. Shifting schedule bewildered me. I was caught in the middle and now there's no turning back. This is what I have been planning for. Now I'm here, there's no way out anymore.

14. And for the final month of the year, our family will be celebrating New Year differently. I finally gave in to Mama's request of going to Cavite and spending the next 3 days there. What I just hope for is that my mood swings won't be attacking by then. After that, I will be starting my countdown to my 24th birthday. Yay!

Under all the circumstances that 2012 put me through, still I am completely thankful as on how it started, how it went on, and on how it will end. It was not a perfect year, it was not totally the best year, but it was a year that made me stand on my own two feet toughly. It challenged me as on how I will take life to the extreme limit. And that's what makes this year eminent.

Quota ako ng tawa at iyak sa taong ito and yet, wala akong kasawa-sawang madama ang dalawa sa pinakamati-tinding emosyon. Surely, happines and saidness goes hand in hand. 

I lost people. Gained new ones. Lost a job. Found a better one. It's your faith in yourself that you must not lose. Ever. And the love in your heart that makes you smile day after day even if the world gives up on you.

Stranger, always have a strong heart. Until next year! :)

Cheers to December!

It's now 2:34 in the morning and the caffeine from the 4 cups of coffee I have drank is still on its finest work pace. It wouldn't allow me to sleep yet. It's already Sunday, but it doesn't seem like. Few hours ago, I was in the office rendering a weekend shift. It was odd. It was the initial time and I don't want to do it again. Felt there was something wrong. Normally I should just be spending the whole weekend at home watching all my "just-finished-downloaded-TV-series" thanks to Torrent. Or looking after my kid, and doing my usual motherhood chores. Or do the "tamad-tamaran" peg.

But that's now over. What I am looking forward to next week is our graveyard shift-- 11PM-8AM! Weewoo! Alright, that would be really challenging since the maximum time for me to still be awake after work would be until 6AM. Good luck to me in advance and hopefully, my "nocturnality" won't disappoint me in this crucial time. Haha.

Hmm. Later, it will be the wedding of one of my college best friends. Yay! And here I am still in front of the monitor writing whatever it is that I want to. Sadly, I wouldn't be able to be on her special day. And I really feel bad about it. I know she's upset since we were really the friends back then in our college days. But since I just got into a new company, my finances are quite in the recession peg that I couldn't afford spending much-- especially for her wedding gift. Bet I just have to meet her up next time. Huhu. Sorry friend! (This time, I just realized, her wedding is now over)

Last 24th, it was the birthday of our Motherhood, and the usual way of us celebrating would be just having dinner. And that Sunday night, the day after, we managed to go out and spend some quality time together. We simply gave her flowers and cake as a "token" for her birthday. She was really happy. We were too. To have more of those would be really wonderful I think.

While last 28th, my favorite OPM band, Up Dharma Down, released their 3rd album, Capacities! How devastating it was for me to not be there, not even having any of their Capacities set, dahil nga sa, walang anda when they had the reservation chuva! Huhu. Poorita Jones lang ang peg. I miss attending their gigs. I miss listening to Armi, Ean, Los and Paul playing their overrated and underrated songs. I miss 19 East, SaGuijo. I'm not a fan anymoreeeeeeee! OA-yan ko pa. Haha. Nami-miss ko na yung mga UDD nights. Seryoso. Ha!

Basically, the past few days/weeks has been about my new work. The things I have to learn about it is not easy, effort kung effort sa pag-aaral ang dating! I am also making my baby more aware as on how changes would be drastic and so far, she's doing quite good on it. She's still up watching cartoons at this time. Hoho! Establishing good relationship with my new colleagues is also not easy. Some are very sociable and I can easily start a small talk with. Yung mga simple lang and onting chika, bet na! But some are "so-so", and maybe conceited? Ha! I'll know more of their inner devilish aura later on and will let you know about it. Chos! It has been enjoyable based on how the training went on but I still have to be cautious because it's gonna be a long and winding road for me to take.

Now that it's the last month of 2012, partly I'm affected about the "Doomsday" thing. Are you? They say it will happen on the 21st so I am just hoping that I am already home once the end of the world starts. Haha! No really, I am affected about it. Haha. But other than that, it's the season for "road-runners-of-your-valuables" to attack in the scariest way. So again, be vigilant, and don't let yourself be a victim. Wag shu-shunga-shunga!

On the lighter side, Christmas breeze can be felt every morning/evening. It has becoming quite chilly, so you can do some layering with your clothes and be really "feeling-lamig-na-lamig-lang" just like me. Haha. So if you do feel like wearing layers of cardigans/sweaters/jackets/hoodies etc, panindigan mo yan! Haha. After your daily Haggardo Versoza peg, I hope that each Christmas decor/lights/songs that you see or hear can cheer you up and can put a smile on your face. The colorful street lights is onething I always look forward to during this time of the year. It never fials to brighten up my mood.

Other than that "simoy ng hangin", I don't know if it's just me, but obviously, the "malansang-amoy-ng-eleksyon" can also be smelled/felt/seen. Lahat lahat na! Haha. Funny how they are effortlessly wearing their masks while smiling/waving hands/acting/doing their publicity thing for the upcoming circus event on 2013. Now I know why clowns scare me. They are some how clowns deceiving people. Echos!

Whew! I have written enough for my first entry of December. Even if I am becoming really busy, once in a while, updating my blog will still be one of my to-do list.

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I failed in publishing this two days ago, but who cares! Basta, this is my entry for December 02. Haha! Good morning mga mars! :) Yes, just woke up and in 5 hours, I will be heading back to work. Boo! :p

Madam-damin.

People say that I'm amazing
I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

I drop my sword and cry for just a while
(Look up for His smile)
'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child 

Gusto ko lang i-share sa mga fans ko tonight ang kantang ito ni Pure Energy Gary Valenciano: "The Warrior Is A Child." Medyo may two weeks na noong huli kong entry eh. So ito, bumabawi lang for the days/weeks na naipon. Kamusta naman mga mars? 

Anyway, napaka-special ng kanta na ito para sakin. Sa totoo lang, pina-pakinggan ko to ngayon gamit yung puchu-puchu phone ko e. Ang lakas kai nitong makapag-paluha. Nagiging "Madam" ako bigla-bigla --Madam-damin! Chos! 

Once in a while, naglilinis ako ng mata. At di lang ito literal na pagpu-punas ng mata mars, o paghi-hilamos, ang main way of cleaning eyes is crying! Yes my friend, it helps! Effortless!

No elaboration of why I'm currently doing it. Kebs nyo ba diba, and syempre, pa-privacy epek! Chos! 

Ang puno't dulo lang nito is-- pagod lang ako. Hindi lang yung literal na pagod sa mag-hapong nagdaan, pero nakakaramdam akong muli ng pagka-hapo sa kung ano man ang pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. Yung pina-plastik mo na maski yung pagiging "strong" mo kasi wala ka ng choice. Kasi nasanay na silang makita kang malakas na parang kahit di naman, weakness yung pag-iyak, kaya sasarilinin mo na lang yung sakit. Ang OA no? Pero ganun mars e. 

Napapagal akong kumapit sa natitirang lakas pa sa akin. Gusto ko sanang kahit sandali, ma "on hold" ko yung buhay ko. Gusto ko lang freely na makahinga. Na maski ang paghinga hindi ako masakal.

Ganun pa man, naniniwala ako na "It's not always a bad day." Everything's going to be okay. Eventually.

P.S. Pag tino-topak din kayo gaya ko, pakinggan nyo tong song ha. Malay nyo, mahimasmasan kayo sa tulong nito. 

P.P.S. Sorry kung ang emo ng peg ng entry ko tonight. Good night and be strong! 

Decluttering 101

Basically, I have been a lazy daisy for almost 2 weeks or so I guess. And one time, I checked some of my stuff in one of my cabinets. Note that I didn't like fix these in 2 years. Haha. And what do you find in your piles of clutter? Ha! Got a handful of everything I couldn't ditch for a long time now. 

Batch 1

• Movie tickets: Tangled and I Do. Talk about keeping such for sentimental values. Tangled was the first movie I have watched with my baby and I Do, well, I can simply relate on it, and yes, I like Enchong and Erich <3
• Two wallet-size pictures: One with ehem, JC Intal. This was taken between 2005-2006 while he was still playing for Ateneo. Can I just say he smells fresh talaga? I could've inhaled his breath sa sobrang close namen. Ha! Those days that I was really patient waiting for players to come out after a game in Araneta. Hihi. And the second one was with my best friend from TIP, Bart. That first year of becoming a college student. I was very naive and plain innocent. Chos!
• Bus tickets. For more or less 2 years, I have always kept a lot of bus tickets either in my pocket, purse or my bag. Haha! Mapag-ipon ako ng kalat!

Batch 2

• Sugar sachets: With everyday that I have been drinking coffee, I also made sure to bring sugar sachets in one of my purses. Yet I never used any so it got watery and then it's now a mess. Hehe
• Broken ID holder that I used back in my college days and in my work too. Slashed it because I cannot remove my ID in it. 
• Fast food coupons: When you have nothing else more than 50 php or 100 php, these coupons really come in handy. Mauumay ka nga lang sa karne. Chos!
• Mentos: My favorite candy. I know this one is memorable, I just can't remember why.
• 20 peso bill: Always keep in mind, "May pera sa basura." ;)
• Korea's Maxim coffee: My favorite boss handed me this one and kept it as a remembrance.

In cleaning, I always end up retrieving stuff that can be reused and those that should be disposed right away. Recalling a lot of past happenings are also involved in such activity, reason for me to sometimes avoid touching my "other" stuff especially papers or notebooks. Haha. 

Most often than not, I am very OC in taking a look in each of my "before-forgotten-now-remembered-stored-loads". 

You will really never know what is in store for you not unless you take a deeper look on it. Now time for you to check those messy drawers and pile them up orderly ;)

Bittersweet November.

"The breezy morning of November greeted me as I was about to go home. It seemed to be a long night. Surrounded with strangers I have met that same night, along with liquors, cigarettes, laughter and distress, I tried to escape from life for a little while. 

Have you ever felt like it was all coming back again? That after long years of not minding anything about the matters of the heart, here you go again, gambling between what you will lose and gain, between heartache and euphoria, between paranoia and reality.

I tried to say goodbye that same day. He was reluctant. I know I had too much alcohol then, that it was uncontrollable to realize how foolish my words were and how stupidly I acted. The low point of how I was and on how I have struggled about it.

For the next two weeks, I know for sure that I have lost myself against the battle of extreme misery. Day by day, I had those puffy eyes due to non-stop crying. Undoubtedly, it was hurting me. With the sporadic state that I am in, my uncertainty remained certain.

Silently, air embraced me tightly. Sunlight brightened immensely upon my flesh to be felt. Retreating to the spell being cast by gallons of liquor and with each lit of cigars that I was doing, I was hoping to be saved. A lot of random things witnessed calmly the downfall of it. My journal accompanied me all through out. With my mind that cannot be oppressed, I continuously drowned myself upon the agony of detaching myself from him. I was selfish to not to tell anyone of how it feels like dying. Surely, just like anything else, loving and losing someone is a cycle."

That's how I was a year ago. Exactly after that incident, my life has changed. Whether it made me better or not, I'm clueless on that.

He's my musical soul mate. My Raimund Marasigan who is learning how to play Up Dharma Down's  Oo. Up to this day, it saddens me that I have lost my sort off Nick from Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.

As what our favorite song says, "Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakakaalam". Fully, I tried to follow every step he made within the rhythm that is intertwining us. Patiently, I listened to every words he has to say that would keep up with the melody, but it wasn't enough. Perhaps, it was really the end of the 8-month theme song.

"You know nothing" was his last words. How ironic when we say initially, we know each other very well.

Midnight Writings v.2

Madaming nawi-wirduhan kapag nalalaman nilang hanggang ngayon, tinitignan ko pa rin yung Facebook ng ex ko. Kasabay nito, may pagka-mangha akong nakikita sa mga mata nila pag kinu-kwento ko kung paano ako nakakakuha ng mga impormasyon tungkol sakanya. 

"GOOGLE HELPS". Yan yung sinabi ko kanina. Sa malamang na totoong ang babae ay higit na mahusay sa PNP, NBI, FBI, CSI at kung ano-ano pang ahensyang yan patungkol sa pananaliksik. Diskarte at woman's instinct lang ang katapat.

Okay. Bakit ko nga ba sya tinitignan? Well, una sa lahat, hindi ako stalker. Chos ko lang yan. Kadalasan kasi ang hirap mag-bigay eksplenasyon e. Sa bawat linyang sasabihin nun, 10x mo itong hihimay-himayin para lubusang maintindihan ng nakararami.

GUSTO KO LANG. Oo. Gusto ko lang malaman ang mga whereabouts nya. Kumbaga, ahead ako sakanya tungkol sa mga kung anong mga updates ng bawat isa. Wala namang masama dun diba? Besides, erpats sya ng anak ko. At some degree, keri lang kung manaliksik ako patungkol sa kanya.

WALANG KINALAMAN ANG SUSTENTO. Dyosme naman! 5 years old na ang anak ko! Nung manganak ako way back 2007, ni singkong duling wala syang naabot sa akin. Hanggang sa anak ko e unti-unti ng lumaki. Kaagapay nito ang pabigat na pabigat na gastusin. Pero kebs lang! Ang anak ko, breastfeed yan hanggang 3 years old. Super close kami e. Madonna peg all the time. Kung ang karamihan e hirap na hirap na magpa-breastfeed ng junaks, ako naman, super petiks lang. Wala akong eksena ng paghuhuags ng mga bottles o yung maubusan ng gatas at kung anu-ano pang chores/issues related sa gatas. I-insert ko lang ang eksenang minsan e nangutang ako ng pambili ng diaper ng anak ko. Super na-short ako that time, so ang baon ko lang e lakas ng loob at kakapalan na rin ng fez. Well, I have a lot of reliable friends, at nakautang ang lola mo! Sa hinaba-haba ng panahon, ilang beses nakong nagipit sa pera, maski sa lakas ng loob, pero go on girl lang lagi ang aura naten. Ganun talaga e.

HINDI AKO BITTER. HINDI! With exclamation mark talaga yan. Hindi porke't tinitignan ko sya, at wala pa akong you know, "boylaloo", e bitter or masama pa ang loob ko sakanya. Aba teka, palagay ko naman, lisensyado akong magkaron ng sama ng loob hindi ba? Pero yung totoo, hindi naman sama ng loob e. It's more on, masakit lang. While change is a constant thing in this world, memories can never be a part of that change. I just can't pretend na, "Okay, it has been 5 years and counting. Kalimutan na kita. Di ka na nage-exist. Hanap nako ng iba". HINDI PO GANUN YUN. May higit na malalim na dahilan sa bawat pag-tingin na ginagawa ko sakanya.

ALIW. Syempre naman. Kumbaga, pag nakikita ko na puchu-puchu lang naman ang mga rampa ng buhay nya or so-so lang ang mga pinagkaka-abalahan nya, I have this ego na, "Huh! Tignan mo nga tong mokong na to!". Kumbaga, pampalakas ng self-esteem na, "I have died when you left, but despite of that, I have survived all those fucked up times." On the other hand, my kilig factor/daydream ka na rin. Who doesn't want to have a complete family anyway? Hmm? (Ina Magenta peg). Malay mo naman, matauhan, bumalik sa wisyo at maisipang tumino. Tsarlot!

I know I don't owe anyone any explanation of what I truly feel. Nor to defend why I am doing such actions. But I find little tranquility that he's okay. That one day, I might see him again. And by then, I might be allowed to kill him. Chos!

Now Playing v.1

It's Hall and Oates night for me! Have a good night you sleepy head. And have a vibrant day ahead! :)

"Ang Lalakeng Black and White" ni Weng Cahiles (2007)

Isang malungkot na dapithapon (hindi ko alam pero lagi kong ina associate ang dapithapon sa kalungkutan). Pagala-gala ako sa Baywalk para tanggalin ang gutom ko para sa mga panibagong litrato. Kanina pa ako nandito pero wala pa akong nakikitang karapat-dapat na masama sa rolyo ng film ko. Nagdesisyon na akong umuwi na pero naisip ko muna na manigarilyo sa may waiting shed. Isangstick lang ang binili ko dahil kasalukuyan kong sinusubukan na bawasan ang bisyo ko. HIndi ako tanga para mangakong tuluyan ko na siyang ititgil. Kasama na talaga ata siya sa buong pagkatao ko. at sa pagkuha ko ng mga litrato. Umupo ako sa bakal na barandilya. Inilabas ko ang mp3 player ko. “Time is never time at all. We can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth…” dinig na dinig ko si Billy Corgan habang hinaharana ako nang mabigla akong mapalingon tungo sa kabilang direksyon ng waiting shed. Isang lalaki ang nakaupo dun. Naka-itim na t-shirt, kupas na pantalon at sapatos na itim at puti. Gulo-gulo ang buhok niya at tulad ko ay naninigarilyo rin siya. Hindi ko alam pero sa paningin ko nung panahong yun, siya lang ang tanging black and white sa paligid ko. Sobrang lungkot ng taong to,naisip ko. Patuloy siya sa paghithit at may kung anong pwersa (marahil ang aura ng kalungkutan niya) ang nag-udyok sa akin para kunan siya ng litatro. Nakakagulat dahil habang tinitingnan ko siya sa lente, tila lalong tumitingkad ang kalungkutan niya. Inadjust ko ang focus at siniguradong makukunan sa litrato ang umaalingasaw na lungkot ng lalaki. Click. Nagulat ata ang lalaki at napatingin sa direksyon ko habang nakakunot ang noo.

“Sorry,” ang tangi kong nasambit.

“Alam mo miss, hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong gawing subject ng mga litrato mo,” tahimik niyang sagot pero dama ko ang pagkairita niya.

“Sorry talaga. Nakita lang kita at naisip kong kuhanan ka ng picture…”

Pagal siyang tumawa. “Miss, hindi mo ba naisip na kaya ako nandirito sa waiting shed mag-isa ay dahil gusto ko na walang umiistorbo sa akin? Siguro nga di mo naisip yun. Ang mahalaga lang sa iyo, ang makakuha ng litrato.”

Nagsimula na akong magalit. Sa tono kasi ng pananalita niya, tila ba minamaliit niya ang kahalagahan ng pagkuha ng litrato. Estranghero lang siya. Hindi niya ako kilala tulad ng di ko pagkilala sa kanya. Sa sobrang pagkainis ko, agad akong tumayo para iwanan siya. Wala rin naman kasing mapapala kung makipagtalo pa ako sa kanya. Mabilis ang paghakbang ko palayo nang biglang may humawak sa braso ko. Kahit hindi pa man ako lumilingon at nakikita kung sino ang pangahas na madiin ang pagkakahawak sa akin, alam ko agad na siya na yun. Marahil dahil sa kung anong lamig na biglang yumakap sa akin. (Hindi ko alam pero inaassociateko pa rin ang lamig sa kalungkutan). Lumingon  din ako sa wakas nakita kong mas malungkot siya sa malapitan. Kulay brown ang mga mata niya at tila pagod  na pagod kaiiyak.

“Naiwan mo ‘to,” Sabay abot sa akin ng mp3 player ko. “Smashing Pumpkins. Hindi ka lang mahilig sa photography, maganda pa angtaste mo sa music.”

“Wag mo na akong utuin,” naisip ko. Hindi ako sumagot at kinuha ang mp3 player ko sa mga kamay niya sabay talikod upang ipagpatuloy ang paglalakad.

“Miss, sorry na talaga,” sigaw niya habang hinahabol ako. “Pasensya kung medyo nainis ka sa akin. Badtrip lang talaga ko.”

“Halata naman eh.”

“Teka paano ba ako makakabawi? Hmmm… Teka, gusto mo pa ba ng yosi? Sasamahan ko na rin ng kape,” alok niya sa akin habang bahagyang nakatawa.

Hindi ko alam pero mukhang hindi ang alok niya ng yosi ang nagpapayag sa akin. Yung mailap na ngiti niya ata ang main reason kung bakit ako napa-oo. Mula sa simpleng kape at yosi, nakilala ko siya paunti-unti. Habang nagkukwentuhan kami, nalaman ko na isa siyang fine arts student sa UP, gitarista ng isang banda at natural na loner. Nakakatuwa kasi sabay sa paghigop ko ng kape, nakikita ko na parehas kami. Pareho kaming mahilig sa musika mula kay Fiona Apple, Death Cab for Cutie hanggang sa Copeland. (Habang nagkakape nga kami, umaalingawngaw sa tenga ko yung kantang Coffee ng Copeland) Tulad ko, nakaugalian rin niyang manood ng sine mag-isa. Paborito niya ang Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, Lost in Translation, lalo na ang mga pelikula ni Akira Kurosawa at Wong Kar Wai. Nabasa rin niya ang mga akda nina Neruda, Kundera at Murakami. Nakakatuwa kasi nakahanap ako ng taong kaparehas ko ng gusto. Marami kasi sa mga kaibigan ko ang di ko kasundo pagdating sa mga ganitong bagay. Habang tumatagal, napapansin ko na nawawala na yung kumot ng kalungkutan na nakabalot sa kanya kani-kanina lang. Ang sarap tingnan ng mata niya habang nakatawa kasi may maliliit na linya sa gilid nito.

“Pasensya na sa tanong ko ha, pero pwede bang malaman kung bakit ang lungkot lungkot mo kanina sa waiting shed?”

“Basta. Pero kanina pa yun. Hindi na ako malungkot ngayon,” sagot niya habang nakatingin sa akin.

Tatanungin ko pa sana kung bakit nang biglang magring ang cellphone ko. Pinapauwi na ako ni Mama. Nagpaalam na ako sa kanya pero pakiramdam ko parang may kualng sa usapan namin. Hanggang sa naalala ko na di pa namin alam ang pangalan ng isa’t-isa. Pero naisip ko na maganda na rin sigurong di ko na alamin tutal hindi na rin naman kami magkikita ulit. Nagpaalam na ako at nakipagkamay. Ang weird kasi sinabi pa niyang “Nice meeting you” kahit di naman niya alam ang pangalan ko.

“I have this feeling that we will see each other a lot,” sabi niya habang kinakamayan ako. Pa- english-english pa ang kumag, naisip ko na lang. Lumakad na ako palayo. “And our lives are forever changed. We will never be the same…” bulong ni Billy Corgan sa tenga ko habang pauwi na ko at pakiramdam ko nga, may nagbago na dahil sa kanya.

Isang linggo ang lumipas. Masyado na akong naging busy dahil nagkaroon kami ng photo exhibit. Naisama ang limang litrato ko pati na yung picture ng lalaki sa waiting shed. Ang ganda kasi ng kinalabasan niya. Natakpan yung profile ng lalaki ng usok mula sa sigarilyo niya habang nakayuko. Malungkot. Napakalungkot na larawan. Habang tumitingin ako sa mga pictures, may tumapik sa akin at alam ko na siya yun. Pagharap ko, nakita ko ang pares ng malungkot na mata.

“Madaya ka. HIndi nakita sa picture yung kagwapuhan ko,”nakatawa niyang bungad.

“Kagwapuhan? Meron ka ba nun?” balik ko sa kanya.

“Meron naman kahit unti. Nga pala, nalibre na kita ng kape at yosi, di pa natin alam ang pangalan ng isa’t-isa. Ako nga pala si Kyle.”

“Mika,”

“Sabi ko na nga ba, magkikita pa tayo eh. Ang ganda ng mga kuha mo. Impressive. Mahilig ka sa mga tao as subjects of your pictures. Maganda. Kuhang-kuha mo ang emosyon.”

“Salamat.”

“Kape? Yosi?”

Pumayag uli ako pero sa pagkakataong ito, hindi lang ang simpleng ngiti nya ang dahilan. Pumayag ako kasi gusto ko pa siyang makilala ng mabuti. May pakiramdam din ako na gusto rin niya akong makilala pa. Nasundan pa ito ng ilang usap hanggang sa hindi lang kape at yosi ang saksi sa magandang samahan namin. Nandyan yung sabay kaming nanonood ng pelikula sa UP Film Center (pero magkalayo ang mga upuan namin), umaatend ng art exhibits at nanonood ng mga gig. Lumalim ng lumalim ang pagkakaibigan namin hanggang sa naramdaman namin na hindi na kami kasya sa maliit na kahon ng pagkakaibigan. Naging magkarelasyon kami. Bawat araw na magkasama kami, puno ng bagong discovery. Magugulat na lamang ako kapag binubiksan ko ang bag ko dahil may nilalagay siya dito na mga sketch naming dalawa na siya ang gumawa. Ginagawan niya ako ng mga kanta, mga tula. Unti-unti na siyang nagkakulay. Di na sya ang lalaking black and white na una kong nakita. Parehong naging makulay ang mundo namin. Pakiramdam namin kaming dalawa ang pinakamasayang tao sa mundo. Minsan lang kami mag-away at naaayos agad.

Hanggang sa isang araw naramdaman ko na lang na may nagbabago na sa amin. Tahimik na kapag magkasama kami. Nakikita ko na unti-unting kumukupas ang kulay niya. Ewan ko. Sinusubukan ko na pasayahin siya pero wala pa ring nangyari. Sabi ng maga kaibigan ko, itigil ko na daw. Wala na daw patutunguhan. Sabi ko sa kanila, hangga’t may pag-ibig pa rin sa pagitan namin, kakayanin ko. Sabi nila, magmumukha lang akong tanga. Sabi ko, wala akong pakialam. Dito ako masaya. Darating daw yung puntong mapapagod  ako. Sabi ko, ayos lang na mapagod ako sa isang bagay na pinaghihirapan kong isalba kaysa mapagod ako na walang ginagawa. Bibitaw lang ako kapag wala na talaga, kapag tuluyan na siayng nawalan ng kulay. Ngunit hangga’t nakikita ko na brown pa ang mga mata niya, itutuloy ko pa.

Isang gabi, pagkatapos namin panorin ang Lost in Translation sa ika-ilang ulit, bigla niyang sinabi, ”Napakaganda nung huling eksena sa pelikulang yan. Nagpaalam na sila sa isa’t-isa pero may certain calm pa rin sa pagitan nila. Walang iyakan, walang sigawan, walang away. Sumakay sa kotse ang lalaki patungi sa kung saan habang ang babae ay lumakad na palayo.” Ewan ko pero bigla akong naiyak nung sinabi nya yun. Parang yun na ang hudyat na magpapaalam na siya sa akin. Doon ko napansin na hindi na brown ang mga mata niya. Sabi niya ”Tapos na ang palabas,” sabay tayo at lumabas ng sinehan. Habang tinitignan ko siya palayo, naalala ko yung eksena sa pelikula. Ang pagkakaiba lang, hindi siya lulan ng kotse at hindi ako lumakad palayo. Naiwan ako sa dilim at hinihintay siyang bumalik kahit alma ko na hindi ko na siya makikita muli. Hinanap ko siya. Tinext. Tinawagan. Ngunit walang nangyari. Hanggang sa nakasalubong ko siya isang araw. Hindi naman niya tinangkang ibahin ang direksyon ng paglalakad niya. Nagkaharap kami ngunit kapwa di kami nagsalita. Kinuha ko sa bag ko ang sulat ko para sa kanya. Inabot ko iyon sa kanya at umalis na,

“I had mistaken his eyes for stars so I followed him where he went. The sight of those stars made me dream and the dreams were beautiful but not more beautiful than the light of the stars I thought I saw in his eyes. I chased the stars down to where they stopped and stayed still. He saw me finally and he said, ever so gently, sorry, you’ve mistaken my eyes for stars and they’re not. And I said, Oh, I see that now and maybe I should have been sad when he was looking at me. They were not stars but thay were as bright, if no more so. I know now that they’re not stars, I told him, but I like them. Can I stay here to look at them? I asked him and he smiled and said, ever so gently, yes, you can stay here and look at them. So he let me stay and here I am and there I will be until he lets me go.”

Iyon ang nilalaman ng sulat ko para sa kanya. HIndi naman ako umaasa na sasagutin niya yun. Ang gusto ko lang, malaman niya ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Kasalukuyan akong nagbabasa nang biglang may nagtext sa akin. ”Noong una kitang makilala, nakita ko rin ang mga bituin sa mga mata mo. At hanggang ngayon nandoon pa rin siya. Wala sa iyo ang problema. Nasa akin. Hindi ko kayang panatilihin ang mga bituin sa mga mata ko. Natatakot ako na dumating ang araw na wala ka nang ibang makikita dito kundi kawalan. Salamat at patawad.”

Hindi ako umiiyak nung nabasa ko ang text niya. Parang sa pelikula, may certain calm ang paghihiwalay namin. Walang iyakan, walang away, walang sigawan. Natanggap ko na rin kahit papaano. HIndi ako galit sa kanya at kahit kailan ay hindi yun mangyayari. Kapag nagtanim ako ng galit sa kanya, para ko na ring dinuraan ang lahat ng magagandang alaala naming dalawa. Sa pag-ibig, dapat may respeto, hindi lang sa tao, kundi pati sa mga pinagsamahan. Hindi man naging maganda ang ending ng istorya namin, mayroon naman akong babalik-balikan na mga magagandang alaala. Hindi ako nalulungkot kapag muli kong nadadaanan ang mga lugar na lagi naming pinupuntahn dati. Hindi ako naluluha kapag naririnig ko ang mga paborito naming kanta. Kabaliktaran nga eh. Ang srap-sarap niyang balikan. Ang sarap-sarap alalahanin.

Katulad ng nabigo kong planong pagtigil  ko sa aking bisyo, andito na naman ako sa waiting shed. Inaalala siya habang hawak ang litrato niya at humihithit ng sigarilyo. Hindi ko inaasam na muli siyang makita dito. Hawak-hawak ko ang litrato habang ang buong paligid ko at black and white. Lumingon ako sa kabilang direksyon ng waiting shed at isang malaking espasyo lang ang nakita ko.

----------------------------------------

Para sa lahat ng nakabasa ng "Ang Babaeng Black and White" mula sa Mabini Session's ng PUP. At para sa mga hindi pa. Ito ang Part 1. 

Weng Cahiles, ang husay mo!

QC Hall x SM North x TriNoma

Let the pictures narrate what I did last weekend. Another not on time post. 

On Saturday, though of fixing my Voter's ID by registering. That's Quezon City Hall. I was disappointed about the system. Oh boy. What should I expect?

On Sunday, thought of wandering off malls with my sister. Fellas, be careful with cabs. This one irritated me extremely. He doesn't even know where SM North is (that's a 24/7 cab). He gotta be kidding me.

Walking around. Window shopping. Buying not so pricey stuff. Quality time with your sister. Happy tummy. Aching toes. Rants and fun goes hand in hand.

Obscure.

The rain started to pour down earlier. At first, the skies were to be quite grayish, which makes the scenery more melancholic. I gave in to my vices' invitation. I lit a cigarette. That's the fourth for this month. I gave in to my weakness, how bad is that?

Sooner, I think the rain might be drastic. It is a Wednesday, and it makes me feel blue. When they asks how am I, there's no way for me to respond to them. I'm keeping myself mum. I am currently ignoring the world. I want to retreat from life just for today. This is not good.

Let me just immerse into my emotions. Crying would be the most therapeutic thing to do right now. But they will all get worried. They will think I have gone too far again. But what they don't understand is that I am hurt. That I cannot be productive by any means.

It's closing time. I need to pack my things, my experiences, and the lovely memories I have created alongside my friends.

It's time to take a detour. Alone.

Midnight Writings v.1

October 23.

Finally, Monday is now over. It was exhausting. It was suppose to be a good start for this week but it ended up being far beyond from what I was expecting. I was at the edge of smoking earlier. Yet I succeeded in declining my vices' wanting to lit a cigarette and its sickening scent to be sniffled again. It was somewhat fulfilling. My head was chaotic. Even until now I guess. Problematic-- my current state of mind. To be alone and not to be surrounded by people. That's what I wanted. They weren't as affected as I was. Maybe it's just me, and my paranoia syndrome. Oh Lord, please keep me sane until everything normalizes.

Bathroom Birthday Tales.

"The Poopsy Partner"

As unique/strange as it seems, I call one of my reliable friends, Poopsy-- since I always tag her along with me whenever I feel like pooping. Next to smoking, it is the bathroom momentos that are best shared with her. 

She has been one of those creepiest people I have met two years ago. Remembering the days wherein I was very naive (which is feeling ko lang naman) and I was just a starter when it comes to smoking, I will always try to start a conversation between her but she never talked to me amusingly. 

But because I was very comical and amiable (maka use of adjectives naman ako), we ended up being the "best friends" at work. And we have been partners in crime. She's one of those that senses my mood upon seeing me right away. Walang tago-tago ng emosyon. Alam nya na yan! I like how we enjoy laughing at the same things, hating the same things and respecting each other's heartaches, being stupid without any hesitations. Our friendship is about chaos and serenity-- both juggled in between.

She is so patient with me, to whatever rants I have daily. No matter how many times we talk about the same things, we always end up just making fun of it at the end!

There was never a dull moment in our friendship. Lahat sobrang mahalaga para sa akin. Thank you for the gift of friendship!!! Sana madami pa tayong lakbayin na taon!!!

From left to right:

1. Pangasinan 2011

2. After Up Dharma Down gig. January 2012

3. Oktoberfest 2011

4. The night that started it all :)) You know what I mean!

5. Ministop after work

6. Check-in after Padi's. Last quarter of 2011

7. Zambales 2012

8. My 2012 Birthday!

9. Valentines 2012

Happy Happy Birthday Poopsy Shane!!! You have always been a sweet/funny/manyak/scary/crazy friend!!! HAHA. People should know how lovely you are, inside and out (pang Ms. Philippines peg) Haha :) Madami silang dapat matutunan from you! Naks!

I love you and know that you'll be safe here. Have fun!!! See you later!!! :)

"I'm happy being me"

"I'm happy being me"

This is what I said to my colleague earlier after commenting that I should lose weight. 

She passed by and got amused with my "fish tail" thingy, and suddenly irked "Ate Katya, dapat magdiet ka na para gumanda ka blahblahblah". Having insecurities about your flaws is absolutely normal. Especially for me na mas normal pa sa normal dahil "DA WHO?" nga ba naman ako. I feel much worse pa siguro.

In my entire life, I can no longer count the chances I took to just lose weight. But the thing is I always fail. I am a proud loser of doing so. Why? Firstly, it does not please me. Parang trying hard lang. My urge to lose weight doesn't come from the heart, walang drive kumbaga. Secondly, I feel like I'm doing it to fit in to the bandwagon of the "skinny" society. Which was never what I wanted. 

So here's the gist. Whether you are voluptuous or sige, straight to the point na obese like me, you couldn't just go on a diet all of a sudden; the "no-rice-totally-meal-after-six-thing-no-carbs-blahblahblah" and other depriving habits related to dieting easily.

Know why you are doing it. Set priorities. Is it because you want your old rugged jeans to fit you again? Can't you do a lot of walking because you're running out of breath easily? Is it because you want to be more healthy? To make you feel even better? If yes, then go and start living a healthy life. But if you will just do it to please anyone else, I'm telling you, it won't work. 

At the end of the day, whether you have achieved that 36-24-36 bod or just becoming less fat, what's important is that you're happy with yourself. Self-esteem lang yan te! At wag papadala to those people who are throwing insulting words on just for you to feel miserable since that's what they feel with themselves. Because no matter how skinny or huge you are, if you are not happy, it will always show. It will always affect the way you perceive things.

Yun lang. Go lang te! Uso macho ngayon. And once you look at the mirror, say to yourself, "Ganda moooo!" with full conviction. Embrace yourself for who you are, and by that, people around you will love you more :)

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This was suppose to be my entry yesterday but as obvious I am blogging it today. Hehe. Have a good day! :)

Sambit.

Sa araw na ito muli kong sasariwain

ang kahapong minsang naging atin

akin itong lilingunin, babalikan 

at akin lamang aangkinin ng panandalian

Sa pamamaraang ito, bubuhayin kong muli

anino mong pilit na ikinubli 

na sa pagdaan ng mga taon 

ay pilit kong itinapon

Gaya ng agos ng tubig sa batis

ang aking puso'y walang sawang maghinagpis

iyong itinatwa ating pagi-big

puso't isipa'y nalumbay, pagkat ito'y aking di ibig

Ngunit paano nga ba makakawala 

sa iyong makamandag na alaala

ako'y tumakbo palayo, ninais tumakas

pero tila ako'y sadyang di makaalpas

Patuloy na nalulunod sa luhang tumutulo

lagi kong usal, "Nakaukit ka na sa aking pagkatao"

nais kong ika'y masilayan

maski pa sa buhay na walang kasiguraduhan

Ngunit kung di palaring ito'y makamit

sa kabilang buhay patuloy akong magbabakasakali

Aasang balang araw ika'y mahagkan

sasambiting, "Tangina mo, di na kita babalikan".

“You Should Date An Illiterate Girl”

By Charles Warnke (Jan. 19, 2011)

Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi, and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale, or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn’t fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn’t, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail, frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return, or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Do those things, god damnit, because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it, I say, because a life in purgatory is better than a life in hell. Do it, because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous discontent as a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, god damnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick.

Do it, because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar; she knows, and rightly demands, that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on, run on well past any point of reason, or purpose, run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence of a life well lived.

Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.

Don’t date a girl who reads because girls who read are the storytellers. You with the Joyce, you with the Nabokov, you with the Woolf. You there in the library, on the platform of the metro, you in the corner of the café, you in the window of your room. You, who make my life so god damned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life that I told of at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied. So out with you, girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you. I hate you. I really, really, really hate you.

----------------------

And what I liked most about this piece is the depth on how you distinguish an illiterate girl from that who reads. Wonderful words used! I learned a lot. Hehe :)

P.S. Got this from Saab Magalona's blog. You should read hers by the way! 

Film Review: Muli (2010)

Apparently, I have just finished watching Adolfo Alix Jr's "Muli" for the second time on Cinema One. Starring Sid Lucero (Jun) and Cogie Domingo (Errol). Here's the trailer just so you haven't seen it or if you're just interested, though:   

Set in the mountainous Baguio City, its story talks about Jun who is an ex-seminarist/teacher/activist and Errol who's an aspiring lawyer who met each other during the Martial Law era. 

The story amazes me as on how two different people from different fields can still get attached to each other. The silent affair they had with each other; Time and life's challenges have always played its trick on them. 

Over the years, Jun continued to wait in vain until Errol comes back to Baguio, may it be after a year, 2 or 3 years. Yet, Errol got married, became a lawyer and settled down in Manila only to visit Baguio in a very unpredictable timing.  

One cannot simply grasp the content of it due to its sensibility-- Gender issues and politics at the same time. But what you have to understand is the passion they have-- both within their relationship and to the country. 

Nonetheless, I am encouraging you to watch this film for it has its own creativity in discussing such taboo issues. The humor being inserted once in awhile made the movie a little lighter to handle. 

Here are some of the lines I have noted down while watching the movie (I got fond of doing this every now and then):

"Wag kang mai-in love sa isang kasama. Mahirap magsama ang dalawang komunista. Palaging may giyera." --Dina. A frustrated activist when it comes to marriage. Her partner never asked her for marriage. He was more determined with his commitment in the group.

"Di ko kayang di ka makita kahit isang beses sa isang taon." --Jun to Errol

Jun: Bakit ba tayo naghahanap ng kapareha? Dahil ba ayaw natin mag-isa? Para may mag-alaga sa atin?

Errol: Hindi. Naghahanap tayo ng kapareha para mahalin natin. Para di natin maramdaman ang lungkot.

"Parang di tumitigil ang mundo. Ang dami kong naaalala." --Errol.

"Kung tatanggapin mo na lang kung anong duamting, walang mangyayari sa buhay natin." --Air. A student activist who had a May-December love affair with Jun. He later on went astray in the mountains to continue his advocacy. 

Indie films are renowned for its good quality of story. Not too much commercialism makes it more real and appealing. Adding up to its even better flow of story is its list of songs, mainly very old school and heart-felt too. 

Indeed, this film is one of my top favorite Indie films. Try to watch it!

Kids ask. As an adult, what could be your answer?

My 11-year-old brother asked this question in his Facebook account. And I reacted about it right away. I wonder why he have thought of this and how come he wants to know the answer. And probably he will just say, "Nothing, I just asked". 

I wouldn't be hypocrite to say that money won't make me happy, but I am certain that it won't make me feel alive far from what love can make me feel. Money-- I work 9hrs a day to come up with a compensation that lets me buy what I want and what I need. I can ran out of it, and it's either I'll be more thrifty, lend money, ask from my parents help or wait until the next pay day comes. Love-- a very complex and vague emotion. We have that love for our self, for family, for friends, for life and for death, for all sorts of art, for God, for whatever you see around you. For the past, present and the future. For what is existing and non-existing. For our significant other. One does not hold a specific meaning of it. Yet I believe that love is naturally selfless and limitless. (Lakas maka Ms. Universe ng line na ito)

Each of us have different interpretations of love. We use words, actions and other ways in which we let our emotions flow into others. For it to be felt, be heard, be understood, be shared. 

Maybe for my brother it’s just a very ordinary question, but with kids acting differently, I’m very glad that he still have this heart that is loving and carefree. He made me have further understanding of sensible things that often be neglected.

Guess us adults will always have something to re-learn from kids :) What about you, what will be your answer on this?

By the way, oh hello there, October! :)

No capacity to buy Capacities.

Kilala mo ba ang Up Dharma Down? Ayos! Kung hindi, malas mo. Chos! O sige, explain ko sayo. Sila yung isa sa mga astig na indie bands ngayon. Di lang sila astig, maangas, hanep, ibang klase at easy to dig yung music nila. Sila ang nagpasikat ng maka-friendzone tugtugan na Oo. Peyborit kong kanta nila ang Indak, Tadhana, Unspoken Definities atbp. Basta, dapat napakinggan o pakinggan mo sila! :)

May years na siguro ako na fan ng Up Dharma Down or UDD. At the same time, medyo naging recent yung pag-attend ko sa mga gigs nila. Oo, fan girl na fan girl ako. Soooooobraaaaaa! Hihi :)

So kung kanina, about inuman yung pinost ko, ito, "Just In" lang ang peg. Wanna know why? It's UDD's Capacities Pre-ordering night!!! And guess what, hindi ako makaka-avail nito!!! Huhu. Ang poorer than poor lang ng bulsa ko these days. And kahit meron pa sila tom, hindi ito kakayanin ng aking budget na almost nasa ICU na ang peg. 

Anyway, for those who are having the same sentiments as mine, maybe these photos will make you, or us feel more depressed. Huhu. Sama-sama tayong malumbay. Chos!

From Armi Millare's Instagram.

From Ean Mayor's Twitter. At nasa 19East sila. Huhu :(

So pano ba yan. 3rd album na nila to, I have the Bipolar. Hehe. A birthday gift from my oh-so loving friends! :) Bale sa November yung release nitong Capacities, at gaya sa pag-ibig, maging "Abangerz" na lang tayo (sabay tugtog ng Oo). Huhu.

P.S. 

1k yung price ng pre-order set na to yet hitik na hitik naman sya sa mga something. Haha. Basta, yung something. If you can make habol for tom's gig, they'll be in SaGuijo around 9PM siguro. Good luck senyo!

For additional infos: www.updharmadown.com 

Congrats UDD!!! :)) I love you Armi! Hihi

Oks na Oktoberfest!

Hey! Upon reading this blog, I want you to take down your memory lane of what happened to you on this day last year. 

Alright, while thinking of it, let me tell you why this day seems to be unforgettable. Bet you know "Oktoberfest" eh? Okay, good. But if not, let me tell you. Oktoberfest is a month long feast of beer!!! For those who are alcoholic or just simply couldn't resist not drinking beer or any alcoholic drink, you know you wouldn't miss this yearly event! Apaw apaw na alak in less than 20php. Ayos!!!

So last year same day, I attended my first ever Oktoberfest that was held in Asiana, Macapagal blahblah. Sorry, I dunno exactly where this place is, basta on the way to MOA. It was a Friday, I think. (And I just don't get it why they have to start the kickoff event on a Friday. Mas okay sana kung weekend) Going back, I went there after work, that makes us arrive in the venue at around pass 12mn. 

Didn't expect that hundreds of people would be there. Hitik yung pila pa-entrance. Luckily I have a friend who works in San Miguel, easy access somehow. Alright, we got in na! Edi, check check sa mga tents, random programs were going on. Sorry, I can no longer enumerate the ones I saw. Basta madami! Hehe. 

And as time went a little more late, we ended up watching the concert, and Oktoberfest wouldn't be complete without the Mocha Girls! Boom!!! Nakakatibo! :p

I don't recall drinking a lot since I will go home via riding a bus so dapat nasa wisyo pako. So it's really strange that I fainted! Yes, I did faint! Haha. I was on the line to the loo with my friend when I told her that I was feeling dizzy, and few seconds after-- I lost balance and ended up lying on the ground full of mud! Hahaha! 

Kadiri lang diba? My friend became hysterical, she was clueless of how to help me out! Bouncers approached us and tried to like carry me. Jusko! Hysterical. With matching ambulance scene pa yan since I was checked by the paramedics. Turned out I was suffering from over fatigue! Boo! Grabehan! Haha. 

All my friends got scared. They were thinking like I needed to go to a hospital, luckily I just needed to rest for a while. 

Kaya ngayon, may friends are teasing me that in a little while I will faint again. This has been one of the events that I will never forget. And as a reminder, don't go to such gigs after work without enough rest or with a broken heart. Ay! Oo, medyo broken hearted din pala ko when that happened. Alam na!

Currently, I am still thinking if I will go or not since I am still at work and I also have an early commitment for tomorrow. Nevertheless, ibang klase yung experience ko na yun. Masaya! :)

P.S.

Cheers for Oktoberfest! Kampay!

I have said mine. What's your story on this day? :) 

Unuttered Written Words.

Talk to me with words
that aren't false
Yet don't be extremely good
for that may sound so untrue.

Look at me with those lucid eyes
Where I can touch your inner side
Be naked with your thoughts
Surely those will be adored.

I want to listen
on how you breathe
For that brings out
my hidden fears.

Lay down and be quiet
Let's share this intimate moment
And if in silence we could make sense
Chances are that we're in trance.

Tsundoku Syndrome.

The Moth Diaries and What You Have Left were the books that I bought yesterday just right after a job interview. I felt the urge to buy these books since both tackles on how one thinks in a more abysmal manner, far from a normal person would think, I suppose. 

Same with the last three which I bought from MIBF-- The Good Psychologist, and After You. Except for the Instinctive Parenting, which is obviously about raising a child in a way that you have optimistic views upon your strengths. 

Lately, I have found benefits in reading. It makes me a lot more entertained just by flipping its pages. Realizing that in just a short period of time, I am in another world, being captivated by each of the scenes I make up in my mind. I enjoy learning new words. I always have the amazement of adopting vocabularies-- whether it rings a bell or simply something new to me. Reading seems to be a valid reason to be absent-minded. For people to avoid disturbing with some of their rants. Haha. Call it selfsh tactics.

As what I have in one of my previous post, I don't read all the time, but maybe most of the time. With reading, you're killing time in the most intellectual manner. Same as with your emotions. It lets you explore more of your feelings when it comes to the different characters, situations you are picturing. And most of the time, I end up crying as I reach for the final pages of a book. The three books that have made me howl my eyes so far would be Dekada 70, Desaparesidos both authored by Lualhati Bautista and The Outcast by Sadie Jones.

I am fond of books which talks about personality. On how one tries to find out his/her purpose in life. Of what life is really all about. Whether you are to continue wandering or to not to pursue for your search. Goes the same thing with books which genres are the typical love stories and parenting. More often, I look for books that are not authored by well-known authors. Somehow, I don't enjoy thinking the way others do. Hehe. If a book's in its heyday of everyone reading it, I don't plan of doing the same thing. Or, para maiba lang. Kanya-kanyang trip :p

So, basically, I am suffering a slight of "Tsundoku Syndrome". Which is buying books yet not reading them and you just end up piling them up on your shelves. Bisyo! Hehe. Surely I will be able to go on and finish all of these. But for now, I am working on Paulo Coelho's Aleph. A must read for everyone who can't seem to be euphoric. (I like how his words seem to be full of warm. And yes, he's one of the exceptions about well-known authors)

Grab a book and make your day more productive! :)