Bittersweet November.

"The breezy morning of November greeted me as I was about to go home. It seemed to be a long night. Surrounded with strangers I have met that same night, along with liquors, cigarettes, laughter and distress, I tried to escape from life for a little while. 

Have you ever felt like it was all coming back again? That after long years of not minding anything about the matters of the heart, here you go again, gambling between what you will lose and gain, between heartache and euphoria, between paranoia and reality.

I tried to say goodbye that same day. He was reluctant. I know I had too much alcohol then, that it was uncontrollable to realize how foolish my words were and how stupidly I acted. The low point of how I was and on how I have struggled about it.

For the next two weeks, I know for sure that I have lost myself against the battle of extreme misery. Day by day, I had those puffy eyes due to non-stop crying. Undoubtedly, it was hurting me. With the sporadic state that I am in, my uncertainty remained certain.

Silently, air embraced me tightly. Sunlight brightened immensely upon my flesh to be felt. Retreating to the spell being cast by gallons of liquor and with each lit of cigars that I was doing, I was hoping to be saved. A lot of random things witnessed calmly the downfall of it. My journal accompanied me all through out. With my mind that cannot be oppressed, I continuously drowned myself upon the agony of detaching myself from him. I was selfish to not to tell anyone of how it feels like dying. Surely, just like anything else, loving and losing someone is a cycle."

That's how I was a year ago. Exactly after that incident, my life has changed. Whether it made me better or not, I'm clueless on that.

He's my musical soul mate. My Raimund Marasigan who is learning how to play Up Dharma Down's  Oo. Up to this day, it saddens me that I have lost my sort off Nick from Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.

As what our favorite song says, "Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakakaalam". Fully, I tried to follow every step he made within the rhythm that is intertwining us. Patiently, I listened to every words he has to say that would keep up with the melody, but it wasn't enough. Perhaps, it was really the end of the 8-month theme song.

"You know nothing" was his last words. How ironic when we say initially, we know each other very well.

Sambit.

Sa araw na ito muli kong sasariwain

ang kahapong minsang naging atin

akin itong lilingunin, babalikan 

at akin lamang aangkinin ng panandalian

Sa pamamaraang ito, bubuhayin kong muli

anino mong pilit na ikinubli 

na sa pagdaan ng mga taon 

ay pilit kong itinapon

Gaya ng agos ng tubig sa batis

ang aking puso'y walang sawang maghinagpis

iyong itinatwa ating pagi-big

puso't isipa'y nalumbay, pagkat ito'y aking di ibig

Ngunit paano nga ba makakawala 

sa iyong makamandag na alaala

ako'y tumakbo palayo, ninais tumakas

pero tila ako'y sadyang di makaalpas

Patuloy na nalulunod sa luhang tumutulo

lagi kong usal, "Nakaukit ka na sa aking pagkatao"

nais kong ika'y masilayan

maski pa sa buhay na walang kasiguraduhan

Ngunit kung di palaring ito'y makamit

sa kabilang buhay patuloy akong magbabakasakali

Aasang balang araw ika'y mahagkan

sasambiting, "Tangina mo, di na kita babalikan".

Unuttered Written Words.

Talk to me with words
that aren't false
Yet don't be extremely good
for that may sound so untrue.

Look at me with those lucid eyes
Where I can touch your inner side
Be naked with your thoughts
Surely those will be adored.

I want to listen
on how you breathe
For that brings out
my hidden fears.

Lay down and be quiet
Let's share this intimate moment
And if in silence we could make sense
Chances are that we're in trance.

Sa dis-oras ng gabi...

Dear JG,

Lately, naaalala kita ng matindi kesa sa mga nakaraang araw. Nag iisip ako ng rason o kaya kahit na anong excuse para maging valid yung pakikipag-usap ko sayo. Kung tutuusin, may almost 3 months na since nung last tayong nagka-text. Yun pa yung pinag-yabang ko sayo yung picture ko kasama si DJ Toni Tony. Yun yung time na nagkaalaman tayong blocked ka na sa Facebook ko. Isang move na ginawa ko para sa sarili ko. Para di kita pakatitigan pa lalo.

Naghiwalay tayo, este nag decide pala tayo na wag na muna mag-usap nung February 9. Mantakin mo, almost 7 months ago na pala yun. Lagpas lagpasan na sa “3 month rule” kung tawagin.

Sa totoo lang, masakit talaga. Yung kung paano natapos yung pagkakaibigan naten. Higit pang nakadagdag na dinelete mo yung mga friends ko sa Facebook mo. Parang feeling ko, “Okay, sadyang ayaw na nya ng any communication between us”. Ang daming mga kuro-kurong nabuo sa akin. Yung naba-blanko ka na kasi sa dami ng tanong mo, di mo alam kung anong uunahin at kung paano tatanungin. Ilang beses kong nahuhuli yung sarili ko na tulala, naglalakbay sa kawalan ang diwa.

Ang daya isipin na yung friendship naten nauwi lang sa ganito. Na parang di tayo naging magkakilala. Bakit ganun? Ano bang nagawa ko para maging ganito yung pakikitungo mo sakin? Alam mo ba na, mas masakit yung mawalan ng kaibigan kesa sa iniibig? Hindi ko alam kung naging mali ba talaga na nain-love ako sayo e.

Madaming bagay ang gusto kong ikuwento sayo. Mapa tungkol sa Plagiarism ni Sen. Sotto. Yung nag suicide kanina sa LRT. Yung birthday ng anak ko next week. Yung issue sa opisina. Yung UAAP— grabeng kulelat ang UE! Si Ian Somerhalder na nanggaling na dito sa Pinas at syang gaganap bilang Christian Grey. Yung pagtatapos ng part time ko. Yung bago kong cellphone na “qwerty” lang, na madaming themes at madaming astig na mga kanta. Yung bagong kong laptop na nagsa-static— na baka pwede mong ayusin. Gusto ko ring ipagmalaki yung mga bago kong libro. Mga movies na ako mismo ang nag download. MADAMI!!! Madaming madami pa!!!

Pero pipilitn ko i-divert yung attention ko. Pipigilan ko yung sarili ko na di intindihan pa masyado yung pangungulila ko sayo, at sa pagkakaibigan naten.

Wala akong kaide-ideya ng kung anong nagaganap sayo. Ganun pa man, sana nasa maayos ka at masaya lang. Ikaw ang nagsabing kahit anong mangyari, wag na wag kong kakalimutang naging mabuti tayong mag kaibigan. Nasan na ngayon yun? Nasan na ang kaibigan ko? Nalimot na ata nya ang kahapon o hinayaaan nyang limutin ang kahapon.

Gaya ng sabi sa Minsan, “Ngunit kung sakaling mapadaan baka ikaw ay aking tawagan… dahil minsan tayo ay naging tunay na magkaibigan…”

PS. Wag kang mag-alala, di ka gagambalain ng isipan at lumbay ko.

History repeats itself...

Tried and tested.

Drawing the line that should apart us. He now did it.
This is a familiar scenario. A tableau I was a part of years ago.

And I am in this picture again. With the surprised look on my face.
At first I refused to believe what I was seeing.

But it got into me. That ya, maybe this is what he wants to happen.
I am struggling in between madness and heartache.

I write letters you will never read.

JG,

Tapos na ang isang linggo. Ang isang buong linggong ininda ko ng wala ka. Ang lumipas ang bawat araw na walang narining mula sayo. 

Kahit di mo aminin, dama ko ang puwang sa namamagitan at namagitan sa ating dalawa ngayon. Palagay ko, higit na may pagbabago sayo kesa sa akin.

Heto na ang kinakatakot ko. Kinakalabog ako ng utak ko, ang puso ko tuliro, at ang diwa ko ligaw. Di mahanap ang dapat nitong kalagyan.

Iniwan mo ako. Kagaya ng inaasahan, nilisan mo din ako, at pilit mo akong lilimutin.

Akala ko, napaghandaan ko na. Alam mo kasi, nalipas na ng panahon ang mga ganitong pakiramdam e. Nakalimutan ko ng umiyak, ang kumirot ang puso, ang maging sawi.

Tapos na ko dito e. Pero bakit ganon, nauulit. Ako na naman ang iniwan. Ang tinakasan. Ang nilayuan.

Ang sakit! Ganito pala yun. Ulit. Ganito pala ulit mangwestyon. Ang pagdudahan ang sarili mo lalo na nag taong minamahal mo.

Babalik ako sa dating ako. Emotionless.

Binalik mo lahat ng sakit na natapon ko na. You never liked me, higit kailan man, hindi mo ako minahal. Hindi.

Sinira mo ko. You destroyed me. Binabalik mo ko sa dati. Putangina!

Journal entry: November 13, 2011. Sunday.

The not so good concept of keeping diaries-- you get back to concrete memories that will trigger sadness. This was the stage of being bitter to myself. Regretting. It has been a year. Indeed time flies so fast. 

It will not work out if ________________

Currently listening to Boys Night Out.

Topic is: It will not work out if: 

Alright. So someone said that "It will not work out if he/she is a single parent".

So I can't help not to somehow react and to think about what the caller has said. I wouldn't say I disagree with the comment. In 5 years that I have been living a single-parent life, there was never a time that I went out on a date, and that I wasn't really interested in finding nor mingling around guys just for the purpose of falling in love, again.

But not a couple of years later, when this guy confessed that he was liking me during our college years. It was something surprising to me, felt like, at my most invisible state, someone saw me, noticed me. And the daily SMS went on for months, seeing each other in the "takas mode" since he is in a relationship. Oh yes, he is! 

I didn't see it coming that I will really say the words "I love you" to him, but I did, and the worse is that he replied, "I love you more". Maybe I enjoyed the benefits of having someone emotionally, even if not physically. Our heyday lasted for 8 months. We both decided to cut the communication just last February. 

What hurtful at this time is that I can no longer talk to him the way I do during our college days. It's like I am restricted to text him, nor to chat with him. In fact I deleted him from one of my social networking sites, making myself believe that that is the best for me since I love torturing myself by checking his profile. 

I admit that I only did all of these again because he made me feel that having a child is not a big issue because he loves me, and that my set-up right now is no longer questionable. Yet, what he feels for me, his sugar-coated words, and weak actions weren't enough to prolong what we have. 

He made me believe to hope once again. To think positively that someone would want to be with me. And that someone would love to embrace my insane persona. Guess, at the end of it all, he chose to leave me because he came to realize that  he doesn't want me anymore. That he can't stand my idealism of being realistic, which he thinks is being more of a pessimist, and above it all, he can't face the fact that he made himself deal with someone as crazy and vagabond as me. 

"It will not work out if one is not brave enough to accept any facet of you, whether you are a single parent or not".

I have lost more than what I have gained. Nakakapang hinayang yung pagkakaibigan. Seriously!