"Huling Indak"

Eto naaaaaaa.

Sa oras na mabasa mo ito, wag mo ko itetext, o tawagan, wag mo din ako imessage o ibuzz sa ym, o maski ang hanapin sa fb. Maging ang puntahan ako sa may samen, o sa opisina. Di ako assuming, pina pangunahan lang kita. 

Sa isang buong linggong nag daan, unti unti, pinaramdam mo sakin kung paano ang iwan, ang walang marinig ni ho ni ha mula sayo. Oo nga pala, given, celebration nga pala. Makakalimutin lang minsan. Uulitin ko, sa mga araw na wala ka, matinding pangungulila ang nadama ko. Pakiramdam ko, higit kang malayo sa akin, at di ka na babalik. 

Iniwan mo ako. Ibinalik mo ang sakit na dati ng nawaglit sa akin. Pinaalala mong muli ang pakiramdam na matagal ko ng tinakasan. 

I had the feeling of drifting away from you.

Natapos na ang isang linggo, back to normal na ang lahat. Maliban sa akin, at sa nararamdaman ko. May puwang sa pagitan nating dalawa, at di maikukubli, may nagbago, higit para sa iyo kaysa sa akin. Sa malamang, napagtibay ang inyong relasyon ng nangyaring bakasyon. Maganda yan. Maigi para sa inyong dalawa, yan naman ang nararapat.

Ganito pala yun, ulit. Ang iwanan at baliwalain. Kung sa bagay, sanay naman ako, ano pa bang bago sa sitwasyon na ito. Akala ko handa na ako, na indahin ang bawat oras, araw na lumilipas at lilipas ng wala ka. Dapat kong kayanin, hindi ako pwedeng manghina. Pipilitin ko, itatago ko ang sakit, ang lungkot, aangkinin ko, at yayakapin ang ano mang nakakapag pabagabag na emosyong meron ako ngayon. 

Higit akong nangungulila mula sayo. Sa mga tawanan, seryosong usapan, bwisitan, lalo na ang pagla lambing mo. Hinahanap hanap ka ng diwa ko, pilit kang inaalala ng utak ko, ang huling pag uusap na namagitan saten. 

Namiss kita. Namimiss kita. Walang halong biro. Ni minsan, di ka nawaglit sa isip ko.

Pero ito na siguro yung timing na tinatawag nila, hindi ito positive timing, pero kelangan ko na sigurong bumitaw. Ang ibalik ang nararapat na respeto para sa karelasyon mo. Mas kaya kong umiyak, at masaktan, kaysa sa ang manakit ng iba. Hindi kita sinusuko. Subali't datapwa't ito ang tama. Higit kanino man, ako dapat ang mag isip ng kung ano ba ang dapat gawin. 

Walang madali sa paglayo. Sa pananahimik na gagawin ko. Tahimik akong lalayo, at iiyak. Wala kang bakas na makikita kung gaano kalugmok ang pakiramdam ko sa mga oras na ito. Hinding hindi ako magiging abala para sayo. Kaya ko to!

Mahal kita. Mamahalin kita sa kabila ng mga ngyari. Abangan na lang nateng dumating ang araw na wala ng lahat na to, na babalika na lang naten ang mga panahong ito bilang isang magandang alaala. 

Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakaka alam.

Gustong gusto kita. And if there is one thing I am sorry about, that is I am a year late to fall in love with you. I am sorry.

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Sa di sinasadyang pagkakataon, may nahalungkat na naman ako. Sa dis-oras ng gabi. Yung petsa ng pagkaka-save ko nito sa Facebook e nung November 13, 2011 pa. 

Bigo rin naman akong ipa-abot ito sakanya. At sa kasalukuyan, patuloy pa rin naming gina-gambala ang isa't-isa.

Ngayon na nga lang maga-update ng blog, maka LLP pa. *LasLasPulso* Hay!!! Ang pathetic/praning/kabwiseeeeet/martyr lang. Gaya mo at ng lahat ng tinamaan ng panahon ng pag-ibig. 

Apir!

Then 9th of February comes along.

It was his prominent face. The odd feeling you get in a dull morning that makes it less of ordinary and more surprising one. As clear as the morning light then, I recognized him. I was seemingly drowning into his presence. But I needed to fight back the gravity that pulls me towards him. I desperately needed to hold it back. My resolution was to show my facade face of not seeing him. Fooling who else but myself. With that split second, it was over. We passed by each other just like usual strangers would do. And in that clear and windy morning, hysteria raged in. I was torn between ecstasy and melancholy.

The 9th of February will always remind me of how finally, what we started came to an end. Of how none of us stopped the mark of our downfall. It became a silent agreement. One that I cannot fathom and will not. And cliche as it may seem, it all turns out to be part of our history-- memories that I can only visit once in a while but not to be stayed on any longer. 

Four days to go before I turn 24!

"Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it and you might just regret it."

Four more days to go and officially, I will be turning 24! Yihee! Tatanda na naman ako. Which is good kasi lagi kong niloo-look forward ang tumanda. I always wanted that feeling of becoming a grown-up. Of not being treated like a child anymore. Papa Jesus, please pakidagdagan po ang aking wisdom! Chos.

Along with the excitement that I have, somehow this year I feel a little bad that I won't be able to celebrate nor have a good time on my special day. Just my luck, starting on Wednesday until Sunday, I will be having the schedule of working from 10PM-7AM!!! Now the plans that I have thought of just few days ago has been changed. Na-excite pa naman ako kasi by 19, may gig ang UDD in SaGuijo. So okay, no choice, mukhang by February pako makakanood ng gig. And even if my birthday is on a Friday, still, there's no way for me to chill and grab a bottle of beer. HA! But my friend, if you have a good heart, feel free to drop me a line on the 18th! Alright? :)

Sa super excited na mag-shift ng career, o ayan, sagasa karamihan sa mga plans. Another adjustment for me on how on weekends, I should be on the work mode. Pero ano ba naman yun compare sa "night differential" na sulit na sulit. And since newby, syempre kelangang magpakitang gilas! Ehem ehem!

And I am starting my entryt out with my rants. Haha. But on the lighter side, I have really wanted of not having time with my extra-curricular activities. The feeling of always available to any rampas, nakaramdam din ako ng pagod. And the fact that I seldom go online, mostly I'm happy with it. Unlike before na bawat kembot ko e announced! Chos. At least now, people are more interested of knowing what's going on with you. Mas mysterious, mas maraming fans! Chos!

I know I don't write as sensible as before (as if namang makabuluhan talaga ko mag-sulat), but don't worry mga mars since I will be really trying hard to keep up with the issues/topics that I have been talking about in the past. For now, pag-tyagaan nyo muna ang aking nakayanan.

I'll get back to my blog as soon as I can! :)

The way he caresses her made her shiver
Until now she can still feel him getting in to her deep skin
His lips felt perfectly fits hers as he pulled her closer
She knew she was captivated by his every kiss and touch

It was his strong arms that made her stay
With each grip, he knows she can't resist
The silent night witnessed how they intertwined
Its chilly breeze made them more hungry to hold each other tight

They surrendered of becoming sinful then
Undoubtedly they wanted to make love with each other
But just then, she had changed her mind
Figuring out that something doesn't seem right

She admitted her weakness and wanting to escape
He found himself in dismay once again
The trail of what has happened a year ago took place in that moment
And now both of them has to act as if nothing happened

How strange for them to be able to do that
But as she stepped away from him, she knew she did what is right
She knows her heart is hungry for warm touch and that it's true love
she would like to taste and have.

Game over, December.

"Life is full of uncertainties, you'll never know when to be certain."

This year blew me away with all its drastic changes. Which they say is the only constant thing in this world. But as what my sister say, it's not just change that is constant, it's also the "memories". So with the final entry that I will be writing down tonight, let me walk you through as to how 2012 has been to me.

1. I have this odd-age fetish. So when I turned 23 last January, I made sure that I will be having a fun night filled with beers and friends. And true to that, my last birthday went crazy! But since this coming year, it's my 24th  birthday, I will not be having those normal celebration. What I have in mind is to do a charity work, and hopefully, time and my budget will allow me to.

2. Up Dharma Down has been my favorite OPM band and I am such a fan girl that even after work, I still watch their gigs. Even if it takes me to travel from North to South! I've not been able to see them perform due to my work schedule, but this 2013, babawi ako.

3. By February, I once again felt how it's like to broken-hearted. To someone who was a good friend. WAS. It's a shame how you use past tense describing as on how you were with someone. You have to go on and pretend that nothing happened. That you never met. That he never came along. My love month tormented me. Chos!

4. My smoking habit worsen and I enjoyed how puffing makes me feel dizzy. With each cigarette sticks, I found comfort. I made myself believe on that. But with self-motivation, somehow I was able to get rid of it. Little by little. Still in the process.

5. It was the month of June that I had to work 14 hours a day. A part-time job that lasted for 3 months with the 9AM-1PM schedule and my full-time job with the 2PM-11PM . It was challenging. Indeed. And it made me work my ass continuously! There I met Korean kids whom I treated as my own child since they were just on their own here in Manila and they became really close to me. Guess they have forgotten about me now. Dramarama! And even if Habagat hit the city non-stop, I still did go to work the following day. And to my surprise, I was the only employee who went to work! Talk about being "workaholic" :p

6. It was also in the second quarter that I was able to start my blog. Which has been my plan for months and that at last was able to do. Currently I have 59 blog entries and I couldn't be anymore happy that I was able to do this now. Sharing thoughts as to what issue I want to talk about has been very relieving and knowing that there are some who are "supporting" me makes my heart super happy! However, I feel sorry that I couldn't write as often as I want to. But still, this blog will be kept updated no matter what.

7. It's also in this year that after almost 3 years of working, I was able to buy gadgets. Hehe. I'm not really techie nor someone totally interested in new stuff but I did really feel great that I was able to buy my laptop, Canon camera and my qwerty Nokia phone. Haha. While everyone's going gaga over the touch-touch thingy, what I prefer is still the basics. It makes me smile knowing I bought things because I worked hard for it :)

8. I have always believed that Papa Jesus knows how strong I am and that still He molds me to be a stronger one. It is after 5 years that I talked to him once again. Talk to him in a sense of asking him as on what He is planning for me. Of how he sees me as His child. I admit I don't believe in the Bible, but that doesn't make me less of a believer. That doesn't make me a sinner. My faith in Him has grew stronger. With Him, I find peace and certainty. I hope you do too.

9. As I grow older, misunderstanding between my mother happens differently. Yes, most of the time because of reasons that are petty. But some that are serious enough that drives her mad. But I have learned how to pacify her. And I guess it's just normal that things like that happen. Other than being her child, I myself is also a mother so I try as much as I could to grasp more of what she say. Which is not really easy since I am stubborn. Hoho. 

10. My unica hija turned 5 years old by the beginning of ber-month and the best way to let loose is to go on leave which I yearly do and to have a feast with the family. Now I have a little dalaga who knows how to answer back in a very clever manner. Ako na ang nauubusan ng Ingles! Yes! Haha. P.S. I can now tie her hair. I have waited for this in years. Haha

11. I retreat to reading and having a diary after ages. And although I can't finish writing in my journal because mostly it's not allowed at work, with the use of my phone, still I was able to make drafts of what I feel, what I think and what goes on in my eccentric mind. I have been buying notebooks wherein the first few pages were only used. Ha! And now I'm keeping all those locked up. Chos! Thrift bookstore serves as my haven whenever I go to malls since I always buy books that really interests me. This year, I was able to finish 5 books I think. Boo! Now I'm currently finishing the sixth. As what the writings in Fullybooked, The Block say, "Life happened because I turned the pages."

12. It was October that suddenly, our Korean company finally decided to stop its operation and to let go of its employees. For almost 3 years, my colleagues became my friends and the normal "Hi, hello" turned into long hour of chitchats that I have been missing. That company became my home. And it has been easy to get along to all the people I have worked with. Even with the Management. Although the presence of collision is there, still the years I have worked there will always be precious to me.

13. The following surprised me by a phone call from a BPO company and luckily, I became part of Wave 51 for a Telecom company. It's a new environment. A whole new world filled with uncertainties to people that I will be working with, and even to the field itself. Shifting schedule bewildered me. I was caught in the middle and now there's no turning back. This is what I have been planning for. Now I'm here, there's no way out anymore.

14. And for the final month of the year, our family will be celebrating New Year differently. I finally gave in to Mama's request of going to Cavite and spending the next 3 days there. What I just hope for is that my mood swings won't be attacking by then. After that, I will be starting my countdown to my 24th birthday. Yay!

Under all the circumstances that 2012 put me through, still I am completely thankful as on how it started, how it went on, and on how it will end. It was not a perfect year, it was not totally the best year, but it was a year that made me stand on my own two feet toughly. It challenged me as on how I will take life to the extreme limit. And that's what makes this year eminent.

Quota ako ng tawa at iyak sa taong ito and yet, wala akong kasawa-sawang madama ang dalawa sa pinakamati-tinding emosyon. Surely, happines and saidness goes hand in hand. 

I lost people. Gained new ones. Lost a job. Found a better one. It's your faith in yourself that you must not lose. Ever. And the love in your heart that makes you smile day after day even if the world gives up on you.

Stranger, always have a strong heart. Until next year! :)

Cheers to December!

It's now 2:34 in the morning and the caffeine from the 4 cups of coffee I have drank is still on its finest work pace. It wouldn't allow me to sleep yet. It's already Sunday, but it doesn't seem like. Few hours ago, I was in the office rendering a weekend shift. It was odd. It was the initial time and I don't want to do it again. Felt there was something wrong. Normally I should just be spending the whole weekend at home watching all my "just-finished-downloaded-TV-series" thanks to Torrent. Or looking after my kid, and doing my usual motherhood chores. Or do the "tamad-tamaran" peg.

But that's now over. What I am looking forward to next week is our graveyard shift-- 11PM-8AM! Weewoo! Alright, that would be really challenging since the maximum time for me to still be awake after work would be until 6AM. Good luck to me in advance and hopefully, my "nocturnality" won't disappoint me in this crucial time. Haha.

Hmm. Later, it will be the wedding of one of my college best friends. Yay! And here I am still in front of the monitor writing whatever it is that I want to. Sadly, I wouldn't be able to be on her special day. And I really feel bad about it. I know she's upset since we were really the friends back then in our college days. But since I just got into a new company, my finances are quite in the recession peg that I couldn't afford spending much-- especially for her wedding gift. Bet I just have to meet her up next time. Huhu. Sorry friend! (This time, I just realized, her wedding is now over)

Last 24th, it was the birthday of our Motherhood, and the usual way of us celebrating would be just having dinner. And that Sunday night, the day after, we managed to go out and spend some quality time together. We simply gave her flowers and cake as a "token" for her birthday. She was really happy. We were too. To have more of those would be really wonderful I think.

While last 28th, my favorite OPM band, Up Dharma Down, released their 3rd album, Capacities! How devastating it was for me to not be there, not even having any of their Capacities set, dahil nga sa, walang anda when they had the reservation chuva! Huhu. Poorita Jones lang ang peg. I miss attending their gigs. I miss listening to Armi, Ean, Los and Paul playing their overrated and underrated songs. I miss 19 East, SaGuijo. I'm not a fan anymoreeeeeeee! OA-yan ko pa. Haha. Nami-miss ko na yung mga UDD nights. Seryoso. Ha!

Basically, the past few days/weeks has been about my new work. The things I have to learn about it is not easy, effort kung effort sa pag-aaral ang dating! I am also making my baby more aware as on how changes would be drastic and so far, she's doing quite good on it. She's still up watching cartoons at this time. Hoho! Establishing good relationship with my new colleagues is also not easy. Some are very sociable and I can easily start a small talk with. Yung mga simple lang and onting chika, bet na! But some are "so-so", and maybe conceited? Ha! I'll know more of their inner devilish aura later on and will let you know about it. Chos! It has been enjoyable based on how the training went on but I still have to be cautious because it's gonna be a long and winding road for me to take.

Now that it's the last month of 2012, partly I'm affected about the "Doomsday" thing. Are you? They say it will happen on the 21st so I am just hoping that I am already home once the end of the world starts. Haha! No really, I am affected about it. Haha. But other than that, it's the season for "road-runners-of-your-valuables" to attack in the scariest way. So again, be vigilant, and don't let yourself be a victim. Wag shu-shunga-shunga!

On the lighter side, Christmas breeze can be felt every morning/evening. It has becoming quite chilly, so you can do some layering with your clothes and be really "feeling-lamig-na-lamig-lang" just like me. Haha. So if you do feel like wearing layers of cardigans/sweaters/jackets/hoodies etc, panindigan mo yan! Haha. After your daily Haggardo Versoza peg, I hope that each Christmas decor/lights/songs that you see or hear can cheer you up and can put a smile on your face. The colorful street lights is onething I always look forward to during this time of the year. It never fials to brighten up my mood.

Other than that "simoy ng hangin", I don't know if it's just me, but obviously, the "malansang-amoy-ng-eleksyon" can also be smelled/felt/seen. Lahat lahat na! Haha. Funny how they are effortlessly wearing their masks while smiling/waving hands/acting/doing their publicity thing for the upcoming circus event on 2013. Now I know why clowns scare me. They are some how clowns deceiving people. Echos!

Whew! I have written enough for my first entry of December. Even if I am becoming really busy, once in a while, updating my blog will still be one of my to-do list.

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I failed in publishing this two days ago, but who cares! Basta, this is my entry for December 02. Haha! Good morning mga mars! :) Yes, just woke up and in 5 hours, I will be heading back to work. Boo! :p

Madam-damin.

People say that I'm amazing
I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

I drop my sword and cry for just a while
(Look up for His smile)
'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child 

Gusto ko lang i-share sa mga fans ko tonight ang kantang ito ni Pure Energy Gary Valenciano: "The Warrior Is A Child." Medyo may two weeks na noong huli kong entry eh. So ito, bumabawi lang for the days/weeks na naipon. Kamusta naman mga mars? 

Anyway, napaka-special ng kanta na ito para sakin. Sa totoo lang, pina-pakinggan ko to ngayon gamit yung puchu-puchu phone ko e. Ang lakas kai nitong makapag-paluha. Nagiging "Madam" ako bigla-bigla --Madam-damin! Chos! 

Once in a while, naglilinis ako ng mata. At di lang ito literal na pagpu-punas ng mata mars, o paghi-hilamos, ang main way of cleaning eyes is crying! Yes my friend, it helps! Effortless!

No elaboration of why I'm currently doing it. Kebs nyo ba diba, and syempre, pa-privacy epek! Chos! 

Ang puno't dulo lang nito is-- pagod lang ako. Hindi lang yung literal na pagod sa mag-hapong nagdaan, pero nakakaramdam akong muli ng pagka-hapo sa kung ano man ang pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. Yung pina-plastik mo na maski yung pagiging "strong" mo kasi wala ka ng choice. Kasi nasanay na silang makita kang malakas na parang kahit di naman, weakness yung pag-iyak, kaya sasarilinin mo na lang yung sakit. Ang OA no? Pero ganun mars e. 

Napapagal akong kumapit sa natitirang lakas pa sa akin. Gusto ko sanang kahit sandali, ma "on hold" ko yung buhay ko. Gusto ko lang freely na makahinga. Na maski ang paghinga hindi ako masakal.

Ganun pa man, naniniwala ako na "It's not always a bad day." Everything's going to be okay. Eventually.

P.S. Pag tino-topak din kayo gaya ko, pakinggan nyo tong song ha. Malay nyo, mahimasmasan kayo sa tulong nito. 

P.P.S. Sorry kung ang emo ng peg ng entry ko tonight. Good night and be strong! 

Decluttering 101

Basically, I have been a lazy daisy for almost 2 weeks or so I guess. And one time, I checked some of my stuff in one of my cabinets. Note that I didn't like fix these in 2 years. Haha. And what do you find in your piles of clutter? Ha! Got a handful of everything I couldn't ditch for a long time now. 

Batch 1

• Movie tickets: Tangled and I Do. Talk about keeping such for sentimental values. Tangled was the first movie I have watched with my baby and I Do, well, I can simply relate on it, and yes, I like Enchong and Erich <3
• Two wallet-size pictures: One with ehem, JC Intal. This was taken between 2005-2006 while he was still playing for Ateneo. Can I just say he smells fresh talaga? I could've inhaled his breath sa sobrang close namen. Ha! Those days that I was really patient waiting for players to come out after a game in Araneta. Hihi. And the second one was with my best friend from TIP, Bart. That first year of becoming a college student. I was very naive and plain innocent. Chos!
• Bus tickets. For more or less 2 years, I have always kept a lot of bus tickets either in my pocket, purse or my bag. Haha! Mapag-ipon ako ng kalat!

Batch 2

• Sugar sachets: With everyday that I have been drinking coffee, I also made sure to bring sugar sachets in one of my purses. Yet I never used any so it got watery and then it's now a mess. Hehe
• Broken ID holder that I used back in my college days and in my work too. Slashed it because I cannot remove my ID in it. 
• Fast food coupons: When you have nothing else more than 50 php or 100 php, these coupons really come in handy. Mauumay ka nga lang sa karne. Chos!
• Mentos: My favorite candy. I know this one is memorable, I just can't remember why.
• 20 peso bill: Always keep in mind, "May pera sa basura." ;)
• Korea's Maxim coffee: My favorite boss handed me this one and kept it as a remembrance.

In cleaning, I always end up retrieving stuff that can be reused and those that should be disposed right away. Recalling a lot of past happenings are also involved in such activity, reason for me to sometimes avoid touching my "other" stuff especially papers or notebooks. Haha. 

Most often than not, I am very OC in taking a look in each of my "before-forgotten-now-remembered-stored-loads". 

You will really never know what is in store for you not unless you take a deeper look on it. Now time for you to check those messy drawers and pile them up orderly ;)

Bittersweet November.

"The breezy morning of November greeted me as I was about to go home. It seemed to be a long night. Surrounded with strangers I have met that same night, along with liquors, cigarettes, laughter and distress, I tried to escape from life for a little while. 

Have you ever felt like it was all coming back again? That after long years of not minding anything about the matters of the heart, here you go again, gambling between what you will lose and gain, between heartache and euphoria, between paranoia and reality.

I tried to say goodbye that same day. He was reluctant. I know I had too much alcohol then, that it was uncontrollable to realize how foolish my words were and how stupidly I acted. The low point of how I was and on how I have struggled about it.

For the next two weeks, I know for sure that I have lost myself against the battle of extreme misery. Day by day, I had those puffy eyes due to non-stop crying. Undoubtedly, it was hurting me. With the sporadic state that I am in, my uncertainty remained certain.

Silently, air embraced me tightly. Sunlight brightened immensely upon my flesh to be felt. Retreating to the spell being cast by gallons of liquor and with each lit of cigars that I was doing, I was hoping to be saved. A lot of random things witnessed calmly the downfall of it. My journal accompanied me all through out. With my mind that cannot be oppressed, I continuously drowned myself upon the agony of detaching myself from him. I was selfish to not to tell anyone of how it feels like dying. Surely, just like anything else, loving and losing someone is a cycle."

That's how I was a year ago. Exactly after that incident, my life has changed. Whether it made me better or not, I'm clueless on that.

He's my musical soul mate. My Raimund Marasigan who is learning how to play Up Dharma Down's  Oo. Up to this day, it saddens me that I have lost my sort off Nick from Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.

As what our favorite song says, "Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakakaalam". Fully, I tried to follow every step he made within the rhythm that is intertwining us. Patiently, I listened to every words he has to say that would keep up with the melody, but it wasn't enough. Perhaps, it was really the end of the 8-month theme song.

"You know nothing" was his last words. How ironic when we say initially, we know each other very well.

Midnight Writings v.2

Madaming nawi-wirduhan kapag nalalaman nilang hanggang ngayon, tinitignan ko pa rin yung Facebook ng ex ko. Kasabay nito, may pagka-mangha akong nakikita sa mga mata nila pag kinu-kwento ko kung paano ako nakakakuha ng mga impormasyon tungkol sakanya. 

"GOOGLE HELPS". Yan yung sinabi ko kanina. Sa malamang na totoong ang babae ay higit na mahusay sa PNP, NBI, FBI, CSI at kung ano-ano pang ahensyang yan patungkol sa pananaliksik. Diskarte at woman's instinct lang ang katapat.

Okay. Bakit ko nga ba sya tinitignan? Well, una sa lahat, hindi ako stalker. Chos ko lang yan. Kadalasan kasi ang hirap mag-bigay eksplenasyon e. Sa bawat linyang sasabihin nun, 10x mo itong hihimay-himayin para lubusang maintindihan ng nakararami.

GUSTO KO LANG. Oo. Gusto ko lang malaman ang mga whereabouts nya. Kumbaga, ahead ako sakanya tungkol sa mga kung anong mga updates ng bawat isa. Wala namang masama dun diba? Besides, erpats sya ng anak ko. At some degree, keri lang kung manaliksik ako patungkol sa kanya.

WALANG KINALAMAN ANG SUSTENTO. Dyosme naman! 5 years old na ang anak ko! Nung manganak ako way back 2007, ni singkong duling wala syang naabot sa akin. Hanggang sa anak ko e unti-unti ng lumaki. Kaagapay nito ang pabigat na pabigat na gastusin. Pero kebs lang! Ang anak ko, breastfeed yan hanggang 3 years old. Super close kami e. Madonna peg all the time. Kung ang karamihan e hirap na hirap na magpa-breastfeed ng junaks, ako naman, super petiks lang. Wala akong eksena ng paghuhuags ng mga bottles o yung maubusan ng gatas at kung anu-ano pang chores/issues related sa gatas. I-insert ko lang ang eksenang minsan e nangutang ako ng pambili ng diaper ng anak ko. Super na-short ako that time, so ang baon ko lang e lakas ng loob at kakapalan na rin ng fez. Well, I have a lot of reliable friends, at nakautang ang lola mo! Sa hinaba-haba ng panahon, ilang beses nakong nagipit sa pera, maski sa lakas ng loob, pero go on girl lang lagi ang aura naten. Ganun talaga e.

HINDI AKO BITTER. HINDI! With exclamation mark talaga yan. Hindi porke't tinitignan ko sya, at wala pa akong you know, "boylaloo", e bitter or masama pa ang loob ko sakanya. Aba teka, palagay ko naman, lisensyado akong magkaron ng sama ng loob hindi ba? Pero yung totoo, hindi naman sama ng loob e. It's more on, masakit lang. While change is a constant thing in this world, memories can never be a part of that change. I just can't pretend na, "Okay, it has been 5 years and counting. Kalimutan na kita. Di ka na nage-exist. Hanap nako ng iba". HINDI PO GANUN YUN. May higit na malalim na dahilan sa bawat pag-tingin na ginagawa ko sakanya.

ALIW. Syempre naman. Kumbaga, pag nakikita ko na puchu-puchu lang naman ang mga rampa ng buhay nya or so-so lang ang mga pinagkaka-abalahan nya, I have this ego na, "Huh! Tignan mo nga tong mokong na to!". Kumbaga, pampalakas ng self-esteem na, "I have died when you left, but despite of that, I have survived all those fucked up times." On the other hand, my kilig factor/daydream ka na rin. Who doesn't want to have a complete family anyway? Hmm? (Ina Magenta peg). Malay mo naman, matauhan, bumalik sa wisyo at maisipang tumino. Tsarlot!

I know I don't owe anyone any explanation of what I truly feel. Nor to defend why I am doing such actions. But I find little tranquility that he's okay. That one day, I might see him again. And by then, I might be allowed to kill him. Chos!