They say you don't know yourself. That no one knows you at all. But there are certain things that makes you happy. Makes you retreat from sadness and be your diversion for a moment.
When I got pregnant five yrs ago, what was left for me to do was to stay at home. Not to continue college. Can't see my friends due to their school schedules and couldn't even go out as much as what I was doing then. I was introvert for two years. Losing self-confidence and curiosity over what the world has to offer.
Not until I started working and studying at the same time, year 2009. It was a year later, in mid-November when I started with my vice-- smoking. One of the sickening ones a person will have. Yet admit or not, it is enjoyable. It gets you hooked!
From Marlboro Lights, to Menthol, to Black Bat. I have tried and enjoyed those. In a world wherein people can be stressed right away, they look for immediate ways to release the consuming feeling they have-- that would be smoking.
Purchasing is very accessible. Especially in the Philippines wherein a stick of it only costs 3php. Around the school's vicinity, or any buildings, you will definitely achieve the highness that it brings you.
After school hours, just before I ride a bus, I finish a stick to help me to relax and sleep as I am on my way to work. And when I get to work, I smoke, starting from 2 sticks a day to even finishing half pack of it. Most of my colleagues are smokers. Understandable how contagious it is for everyone to start smoking. But no, it was my decision. I let my self fall into its spell and to smoke in a daily basis. It worsen during 2011. From half-pack, I took so much pleasure in buying a whole pack of it, Marlboro Black-- which has become a favorite of mine.
When I'm feeling sick and tired from my personal issues, work dilemmas and other random stuff, I smoke. The maximum of it would be 3 sticks at a time until I make myself feel more calmed. At some point I made myself believe that it gives me serenity. Whether it is break time from work, or in a coffee shop, or chit-chatting with friends, or having a celebration, or attending gigs, or just plain nothing, I smoke. Automatically, you will see me with a lighter, a pack of cigar and candies.
But you know, everything that is too much will ain't do you good. For several times, I have tried to stop smoking. Just like anything else, I grew tired from puffing all day long, burning my lungs, and the scorching heat of it that touches my lips. I got sick from it too. Getting a lot of check-ups, being absent from work just to rest and being guilty of neglecting my health. I came to realize more that it's damaging me.
I wouldn't justify the logic of it. But I guess, I was suppressed with my frustrations. That way back, I didn't have any ways in which I can be rebellious as I want to because I have a child.
There comes a period that you just want to fill destroyed, broken and that you cannot be fixed anymore. And from there, after getting drained, you try to carry on yourself again. To regain and to restart. Sana lang, lahat ng nalulugmok, subukang tumayong muli at wag mawalan ng pag-asa. Hindi lang pagyo-yosi and solusyon dyan!
Self-motivation. Amid of advertisements, your loved-ones and family and friends telling you of its bad effects not just on your health, but to others too, you will never stop smoking. You won't let yourself to be convinced. Magkasakit ka na't lahat, sige parin. We have the irresponsible excuse of saying, "I can't because I have been smoking for 5, 10, 20 yrs. Blah blah blah!!!", "Stress kasi ako. Blah blah blah!!!", "Di ako makalma", "Kelangan ko to para makatulog", "Bagong kain ako, pampatanggal umay". But in reality, we just don't want to.
The longest time that I didn't smoke was for 29 days. That was maybe a month or two ago. But unlike my heyday of puffing, it's no longer a daily routine for me. And that makes me really glad and relieve somehow.
I will not wait for New Year just for my resolution to start. I wouldn't allow myself to spend its 2nd anniversary in smoking. It will never be easy, but you have to encourage yourself, and be determined in doing so. This is my gift for my baby. For her to have a healthier Mommy :)
If you have plans to stop smoking, do it now. No one will help you but yourself :)
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